


i just love you

by yurishika



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 13:18:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2230491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yurishika/pseuds/yurishika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuzuru is used to having his heart closed until Michael came in and snuck his way to open it to the joy and pain of falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Yuzuru Hanyu: Only Human (May 26 to August 19, 2019)**

Yuzuru Hanyu is 24 years old and a rising star in the world of photography. He has always been interested in capturing the human experience in photo. This exhibit is a compilation of the “human experiences” he has encountered, from his university days in the Philippines to his travels around the world. Hanyu invites you to a journey around the world and hopes you’ll be able to experience the joy, the pain, and the love he himself has experienced and captured.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The doors open at exactly 7p.m., and the people start trickling in the room. Yuzuru’s not really sure how many people are supposed to attend his first-ever photo exhibit, but he’s sure he isn’t expecting a full house on opening night. Of course, there are the people from the photography agency where he’s working, and of course there’s his family, but then there are people who he looks up to in the industry, some celebrities, and Yuzuru has to stop from almost pinching himself to make sure he isn’t dreaming.

The photo exhibit is a dream come true in itself. He’d only be working as a professional photographer for two years, and he still hasn’t expanded his portfolio. But his boss Mrs. Abe believed in him, and his co-workers did, too, and if they thought he should put up an exhibit, then why not?

“Everything’s looking great.” He whips his head to the side to find Kanako, holding out a glass of champagne, which he eagerly takes. “Congrats, Yuzuru.”

“Thanks.” Yuzuru grins, taking a sip. “I can’t believe I got to do this.”

“It’s expected, when every person in the industry starts talking about you.” Kanako grins and pats his cheek, much to his protest. “Well, you go mingle with other people, you famous person, you. I’ll go talk with Oda-kun.” She pats his cheek again before she turns away, her heels clicking as she walks to the other side of the room.

It’s a busy night, Yuzuru trying to make small talk with everyone in the room, telling the story of every photo. Every time he does he gets a wave of nostalgia. These photos are more than just something that is put up for exhibition. These are memories—moments that he’s glad to have captured so he can look back and remember vividly. Though how he wishes he can turn back time and experience them once more.

“I’m interested to know the story behind that photo, though,” Mrs. Abe says, pointing to the largest photo on the last divider in the room. “I’ve never seen this in your portfolio before I took you in, and you never take a photo of yourself.”

“I’m also interested to find out the story behind you and that young man,” Daisuke Takahashi of another photography agency says with a chuckle, and the others hum in agreement.

Yuzuru laughs as he takes a look at the photo concerned, and a stronger wave of nostalgia takes over him. That photo was supposed to be something that he wanted to submit to an awards for the arts when he was in university, but eventually he decided against it because it was too personal … and he had run away from someone important. Now that he’s starting to be honest with himself, he guesses today’s a right time to show this to everyone.

“I guess you can say it’s a love story,” he says, softly, as he’s thrown back to the past.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**2013**

The bell echoes all over the forest, fifty times. Yuzuru’s sure it’s fifty, because he had counted it every hour for the past two (or three?) hours. It’s all he can do as he looks out at the lake before him. If he closes his eyes, he can imagine sitting on the shores near his home, as still and as peaceful as the one before him. If he tries hard enough, he believes he can actually throw himself back to Sendai, where everything’s oh-so familiar.

But when he opens his eyes, he’s in the same, unfamiliar place in the same, unfamiliar forest. And later, he’ll go back to the same old house he rented, where the silence is loud and the neighbors are harsh. At least he can take a lot of photos in this forest so he can lock himself in his makeshift dark room and forget about the loneliness, even for just a few hours. In the dark room, he can watch his photos develop and convince himself that the world isn’t as cruel as he’s making it out to be.

Yuzuru almost jumps when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. It’s a text message from a student council representative, asking why he suddenly disappeared from the freshman orientation. He thinks about texting back, but what excuse should he use? _Hi, I’m sorry I disappeared so suddenly, the number of people in the auditorium made me claustrophobic_. What a stupid excuse. In the end, he stuffs his phone back in his pocket; he’ll think about it later.

It’s going to be more difficult from here on out. It’s already difficult enough as it is, struggling to speak more than one foreign language and living all by himself. By the time classes officially start next week, he’s going to have to struggle to keep his scholarship and keep himself sane on top of all his schoolwork. The mere thought makes him want to pack his bags, fly back to Japan, and enroll in Waseda, where his parents had wanted him to go in the first place, but he remembers why he wanted to be here, and he stops thinking about giving up.

The sun is starting to set, and the bell rings fifty more times. Yuzuru takes it as a sign that he should be going. But the sun is too beautiful to look away from, so he moves forward to take out his camera—

There’s a click of a shutter, which is strange, because his camera is barely out of his bag. He frowns, and then it hits him that he’s no longer alone in the forest …

He snaps his head to the side where he thinks the sound came from. Sure enough, there’s someone standing there, a good distance away from him, his camera held out after finishing a shot. He’s as tall as Yuzuru, thick eyebrows furrowing in concentration as he looks at his shot. Yuzuru would have noticed that the camera is the latest brand, but what sinks in is the realization that the camera is directed towards him, _and a complete stranger just took his photo._

The boy had then looked up and had seen the surprise registered in his face, and he blinks. “Oh, sorry about that,” he says, his voice soft. “Did I interrupt you?”

Yuzuru stands up and hastily stuffs his camera back, then slings his bag over his shoulder, the thought of taking a photo of the sunset pushed to the back of his mind. “No, it’s okay, I was about to leave—”

He brushes past the boy, and they share gazes for a couple of seconds. There’s something about the boy’s dark eyes that draw him in, but he shakes his head and starts to ignore it as he trudges off and doesn’t look back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He thinks fate likes playing tricks on him, because he meets the boy again a week later, on the first day of English and Literature class. The boy is sitting in the middle row, his head thrown back as he laughs at something his seatmate had just said. Yuzuru assumes that he’s friend with the group occupying the first two rows, what with the way they all seem so comfortable with each other as they talk and laugh. Aside from that boy, everyone in the room is unfamiliar to him, and that’s fine by him, because he doesn’t want to befriend anyone, anyway.

They meet gazes as Yuzuru makes his way in the classroom. The boy looks surprised at first, but he smiles, which he returns with a nod, before making his way to the farthest seat in class, where no one is likely to disturb him. The boy has craned his neck to look at him, but the girl beside him suddenly taps his shoulder, and he promptly looks away.

The professor comes in a little later, and he asks everyone to introduce themselves—their name, their major, their high school, whatever. He finds out his name is Michael Martinez, health sciences, from the nearby all-boys’ high school. His glasses keep falling down, and he keeps pushing them to the bridge of his nose as he talks. When his seatmate—Jinseo Kim—makes his side comment, Michael laughs, his gums showing, and there’s something about this that keeps Yuzuru from looking away.

When it was his turn, Yuzuru almost trips on his way to the aisle, and his cheeks burn as he hears as he hears the snickering of Michael’s group of friends. Yuzuru looks away, but from the corner of his eye he can see Michael glaring at the group, as if silently reprimanding them. When he gets to the front, Michael smiles at him apologetically, just like the time in the forest, and Yuzuru tries to ignore it because he doesn’t need anyone’s apologies.

“I’m Yuzuru Hanyu. Information Design. I came from Tohoku High School in Sendai, Japan.”

There’s a murmur amongst his classmates, and there’s an unsettling feeling in his stomach. His professor then starts interrogating him about Sendai. Yuzuru answers all of his questions, and deep inside he longs for comfortable mattresses and the fresh air that breezes past him as he bikes to his high school.

He can only sigh in relief when the bell finally rings. Yuzuru is the first person out the door, and he walks as fast as he can, ignoring the calls of his name that are most likely coming from his imagination.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuzuru’s schedule for the semester involves two classes in the morning on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, then three classes in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a one-hour to one-and-a-half-hour break in between. His lunch break is usually 10:30 or 11:30, which is too early for lunch, but Yuzuru likes it that way. He has come to find out that as soon as the clock strikes noon, the cafeteria becomes so crowded that it becomes suffocating. Today, at 11:30, there’s already a crowd, but not so much that Yuzuru is able to find himself an empty seat on the second floor.

What Yuzuru doesn’t expect is a tray being set down in front of him as he is eating his food in peace. When he looks up, he finds himself sharing another gaze at Michael, who is smiling shyly at him. “Um …” he starts, “can I help you?”

“Is this seat taken?” he asks. Michael tilts his head to the side to emphasize his curiosity, and there’s something endearing about this gesture. “Do you mind if I sit with you?”

“Um …” Yuzuru looks around from the corner of his eye and sees that people are starting to trickle in. “No, I don’t mind. Go ahead.”

“Thanks.” Michael grins and plops down next to him as if he’s already used to sitting next to Yuzuru for lunch.

“Why did you take a photo of me … back then?” Yuzuru blurts out before Michael can even start on his food. It’s a question that had somehow crept to him every time he would recall that day in the forest. Yuzuru loves photography, loves capturing memories on camera, but being photographed is a whole different thing.

“Hmm?” Michael picks up a fry from his plate and pops it in his mouth. “I couldn’t help it, I guess. You looked so thoughtful as you stared out into the sunset, and I don’t know …” He looks at him apologetically, once more. “I’m sorry if I interrupted your thinking time, though.”

“It’s okay,” Yuzuru says, and he understands Michael’s reason. He had taken lots of candid shots whenever he’s out with his camera, too. “I was just surprised, I guess. I was alone the whole time until you came.”

“I love that forest,” Michael says, his eyes sparkling. “I studied in the nearby all-boys’ high school, and I like to go there whenever I want to be alone. And everything about that place is asking to be photographed.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru feels his lips turning up, and he nods in the agreement. “I was about to take a photo of the sunset, but I panicked when I saw you. I’m not used to being photographed, you see …”

“Oh, I’m really sorry about that.” Michael turns serious, his lips turning down to a frown. “I can make it up to you, if you want.”

“Make it up to me? What do you mean?”

“We can go to the forest!” Michael says, brightening up. “We can wait for the sunset, and while we’re there, I can show you the best places to photograph! What do you say?”

Yuzuru hesitates. Here is someone who he’s barely known, inviting him to do something that he has always done by himself. Usually, he’d smile politely and decline, but …

“Sure. What time does your class end?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s 4:30p.m. when Yuzuru steps out of the university library to meet Michael, who had just finished math class. He lets Michael take the lead as they trudge out of the building, cross the street leading to the university covered courts, and to the path leading to the forest. Yuzuru lets Michael lead the way, and they walk in silence, the former not much of making small talk. Michael doesn’t seem to mind the silence, so Yuzuru doesn’t force himself into saying something.

The forest is as beautiful as the last time Yuzuru stepped foot in it. He takes a moment to look at his surroundings, finding peace inside him, and when he looks at his companion, Michael is sharing the same peaceful smile. Maybe this isn’t so bad, after all.

The sun won’t be setting until much later, so Yuzuru takes out his camera and starts making some adjustments before making some test shots. Michael has also fished out his camera and has done the same before trudging closer to the lake. Yuzuru can’t help but observe his companion, and from the looks of it, Michael seems new to photography.

Michael must have felt his staring because he looks over his shoulder, head tilted curiously to one side. Yuzuru looks down at his feet on impulse. “Wanna go exploring?” he asks. “There are many other cool things in this forest.”

“Huh?” Yuzuru hesitates, he usually does, but he finds himself accepting the offer. Which is surprising, because he’d rather take photos alone. There’s something about being with someone that makes him guarded and self-conscious, and his photos don’t turn out the way he wants to. But today’s strangely different because he’s in his element, and yet Michael’s right next to him, being in his element, too. It’s like being alone, but not completely.

He follows Michael as they trudge deep into the forest, looking around for any good shots. They almost chase a couple of birds resting on the tree branch, who fly away after spotting them, landing on a different, higher tree. Michael doesn’t seem to be deterred by this problem, fishing out a pack of donut biscuits from his bag and climbing up a nearby, smaller tree to hang them on its tiny branches. Yuzuru watches in amazement as the birds flock towards that tree that he almost forgets to press the shutter.

Michael is grinning in accomplishment as soon as the birds fly away for good. “I do that all the time,” he explains.

“And the birds actually eat that …” Yuzuru says, blinking.

Michael shrugs. “Who would have known, huh?”

They sit by the lake and take a break, Michael sharing the donut biscuits he still has left. Michael talks a bit about himself, and Yuzuru’s surprised to share a bit about himself, too. He finds out they both have asthma, they both like video games, this rock band in Japan that people barely know here, and many other small similarities that Yuzuru has never found in someone.

The sun sets once more, and Yuzuru finally gets his sunset shot. Beside him, Michael has his camera lowered, eyes wide in awe at the view before them. He doesn’t know what came over him, but Yuzuru raises his camera and clicks the shutter.

Michael is startled, and he looks at him, blinking rapidly. Yuzuru, beside himself, manages a grin. “Payback,” he says, the laugh that escapes Michael’s lips is music to his ears.

When Yuzuru is back in his dark room, examining his photos, he catches a glimpse of his last shot, of Michael staring out into the setting sun with sparkling eyes. And maybe, if he’s being honest with himself, it’s this day and this moment when he fell in love with Michael Martinez.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day after that, Michael gets a hold of Yuzuru before he can even slip out of English and Literature class. “Why don’t you have lunch with us?” he asks, looking hopeful. “I wanna introduce you to my friends.”

“I—” Yuzuru hesitates. The thought of sitting with an already close-knit group of friends is already daunting to him. But it’s Michael who’s doing the asking, and he can’t bring himself to say no. “—okay, sure.”

He finds himself in the university field instead of the cafeteria, feeling awkward as he sits next to Michael and listens to an exaggerated recollection of some high school memory that all except him shared. Michael and the others try to get a story or two out of him, but Yuzuru ends up answering in short sentences until they give up. Baby steps, he supposes. He doesn’t expect himself to open up to a group on the first day of sitting with them during lunch.

A week later, the week when he sees all of them again, he’s pretty much matched names to faces. There’s Han Yan, Jinseo, and Julian arguing about a certain strategy for this certain video game, with Chloe rolling her eyes in their direction while she, Zijun, Soyoun, and Haejin watching something on YouTube. Yuzuru wonders how he’ll be able to fit in and catch up with the years of friendship they already share.

“You okay?” Michael asks, forehead creasing as he frowns in concern. He’s got sauce on the edge of his lip, which is a funny sight, and Yuzuru makes a gesture to make him get the point. “What?”

“Michael!” Soyoun calls, a giggle escaping her throat. “You have barbeque sauce on your lip!”

Michael laughs in embarrassment and wipes his mouth with his hand, his cheeks pink. Yuzuru guesses that years of being by himself have developed his tendencies to observe people and figure out their personalities. He can tell that Chloe and Julian have this thing, the way they’d not-so-subtly flirt and touch; Han Yan and Zijun seem to be treading between friends and more than friends, locking gazes but quickly looking away; then there’s Jinseo and Haejin, making fun of each other lightheartedly, though Yuzuru doesn’t discount the possibility that something might happen between the two of them.

And then there’s Michael, checking his face every now and then for any other stains that he might have missed. Then comes his subtle gazing at Soyoun, who looks oblivious as Haejin shows her a picture of this idol group that they like. Then comes the sigh.

It doesn’t take Yuzuru long to figure out that Michael has feelings for Soyoun, and it doesn’t take long for his heart to feel heavy at the realization.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuzuru tries not to think about it so much. After all, he’s in this university to prove himself, and that’s not going to happen if he chases after some unrequited love. But it’s easier said than done, especially when he hangs out with Michael and his friends almost every day, then hangs out with Michael in the forest during their spare time.

Pretty soon, he does all that he can to avoid Michael and his group of friends. He’d arrive and leave class the moment the bell rings, ignoring the calls of his name. He’d buy lunch in the cafeteria and go to find someplace deserted so he can eat alone, and in silence. He stopped coming to the forest, too, choosing to take photos in the nearby university instead. It’s different, but at least he doesn’t have to try hard to think about Michael and the gazes they’ll never share.

Every day he develops his photos, and all of them don’t feel right, not like the photos he took with Michael.

He sighs, and lets these photos fall in the trash bin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Can I talk to you?”

Michael closes his locker and turns to the direction of the voice. He almost yelps when he finds Michael standing next to him, his eyebrows knit together as he frowns. “Um …” he stammers, trying to think of some excuse to get away, but his brain isn’t cooperating.

“Why are you avoiding us?” Michael gets to the point before Yuzuru’s brain catches up to him. “Did I do something wrong? Did anyone of us do something wrong?”

It’s as if Yuzuru had been doused by Antarctic-cold water. “No, I—”

“I’m sorry,” Michael continues, “for whatever you got mad at. Just … can we start over?”

Michael looks like a kicked puppy, and it’s making his stomach squirm. But what can he do? If he hangs out with Michael again, he’ll probably start pining again, longing for gazes Michael will never return.

“I like you.” Yuzuru’s heart stops at those words, and Michael takes a deep breath. “I haven’t hung out with you long enough, but I think you’re great, Yuzuru. The rest of the gang likes you, too, but if you don’t wanna be friends anymore, then it’ll suck, but I’ll totally respect that.”

A long silence follows, and it’s weird that the usually crowded hallway at noon is suddenly empty and silent. Michael is looking at him with that still-kicked puppy look, and it’s driving him crazy. If he’s being honest with himself, he misses Michael, misses his group of friends. He’s never had so much fun with anyone before, and living in a foreign country all by himself suddenly feels more bearable.

The silence is finally broken when Michael sighs, sounding defeated. “I guess … sorry to bother you,” he says. “I’ll go leave now.”

“Wait.” Yuzuru steps forward and grabs Michael’s wrists before he could walk away. His palms feel sweaty, and his heartbeat is going on overdrive, but something is telling him that this is the right thing to do.

Michael is looking at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry,” Yuzuru says, suddenly feeling braver with every word. “I’m … not so good with this … making friends and all. I don’t have a sob story. But when I get too close, I run away.”

“Oh,” Michael says, then says nothing more. There’s no judgment in his voice, and Yuzuru can’t find any reason to assume otherwise.

“But I like you, Michael, and I like your friends, too.” Yuzuru feels his face heat up at the admission. “And”—he gulps—“well, if you and the others are not mad at me, I’d like to have lunch with you again and take pictures of the forest.”

Michael’s eyes brighten, and it’s the most wonderful thing he’s seen all day. “Of course we’re not mad at you,” he says, voice soft. “Just trust us, okay? We can be your friends.”

_Friends._ It’s a word that Yuzuru has avoided for as long as he can remember, but for the first time in his life, he wants to try and give it a shot.


	2. Chapter 2

Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. Yuzuru can usually keep track of the days, which is why his eyes widen when he checks his planner only to discover that it’s already October. A semester is about to end, and a month’s break will follow before they return to the university in November. The thought of a term break makes Yuzuru excited, but then he remembers the English writing portfolio he still has to work on, the angry red marks on his initial passes making him deflate.

“If it makes you feel any better, your English has improved,” Michael assures him, his marks on Yuzuru’s third draft of his feature paper more sympathetic in blue ink.

Yuzuru sighs in relief. “You’re going to help me pass, right?” he asks.

“Of course, I will.” Michael hands him his paper, then pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He has a frown on his face, as if insulted that Yuzuru had doubted him.

“Thanks,” Yuzuru says, though he sounds apologetic. The grin that spreads to Michael’s face suddenly lets the butterflies in his stomach go amok once more.

Eventually, they all finish their final requirements, and the two of them head to the forest, as their routine for the entirety of the semester. Chloe has invited them to have dinner in the nearby pizza place to celebrate, but that can wait. The group has taken up a space in his life, so big that he can no longer imagine lunch breaks without them, but Michael has taken up a bigger space.

The sun is about to set by the time he and Michael arrive in the forest. It had rained an hour ago, hence the dew in the greenery. Michael stumbles a bit as they walk, laughing at his clumsiness and grabbing Yuzuru by the wrist to drag him faster to their usual spot. Yuzuru didn’t bring his camera, but he doesn’t mind. There are just some moments that a camera can never capture.

It’s Michael who breaks the silence between them. “What are your plans for the term break?” he asks. “Are you going back to Sendai?”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “I’ll be flying back after the school year is over,” he says. His mother has left him a couple of e-mails, less harsh in tone, asking if he can come home and reconsider Waseda. Besides, he still barely knows his way around the city, so the one-month term break would be better used in exploring the unknown. That, and he needs to get additional funds aside from the money his sister has been sending.

“Oh.” Michael looks contemplative. “Well, I was planning we should go to the beach.”

Yuzuru blinks. “The beach?” he repeats.

“Actually, it was Soyoun’s plan.” Michael laughs in embarrassment. “She has relatives who live near the beach, and they can let us stay in their place for the day? Wanna come? It’s only for a day, and it’s not that far.”

Yuzuru didn’t really expect to be included in someone else’s vacation plans. After all, he’s only been with the group for five months—he didn’t think they’d want to include him. Still, the thought puts a smile on his face. “Sure. A trip to the beach sounds great.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The beach is a couple of hours away from their university. It’s Han Yan who brings his father’s van, which managed to squeeze in all nine of them, plus their belongings. Jinseo hops in the passenger’s seat, he, Michael, and Julian sitting in the front while the girls sit in the back. Yuzuru catches Michael stealing glances at the back before sighing and leaning his head by the window.

It’s an open secret, Michael’s affection for Soyoun. Apparently, the others know of it, too, with Han Yan and Jinseo making knowing smirks at Michael’s direction from time to time. Soyoun seems to have an inkling, too, and it’s only Michael who’s oblivious to his friends’ knowledge about his crush.

In time, Yuzuru has learned not to hurt so much. Sure, he feels the green-eyed monster whenever he sees gazes that can never be for him, but he’s used to concealing what he feels, so he’s not worried of being obvious.

White sands and sparkling waters greet them as they arrive on the beach. The girls look stunning in their bathing suits, Chloe giggling as she swats Julian on the head. “Stop staring!” she says, her face red. The rest of them laugh, Han Yan elbowing Julian as he smirks.

Perhaps it’s Soyoun who stands out among the rest of the girls, her smile shy as she sets her bag down on the sand. He’s not surprised to find Michael staring before quickly shaking his head and looking away.

“See, I told you they’ll be staring,” Zijun says with a chuckle.

Yuzuru finds himself occupied, being dragged from one activity to another. They play beach volleyball, him and Han Yan winning easily against Jinseo and Julian, the girls cheering them on while Michael documents. They wade in the water, Jinseo taking delight in splashing the girls until Haejin finally gets her revenge and pushes him down underwater. Yuzuru takes a risk and brings his camera as he wades forward, his many attempts of taking a group selfie ending in fits of laughter.

Soyoun’s uncle drags them fishing, each of them climbing to a boat as Soyoun’s uncle rowing them to the sea, teaching them how to hook the bait and wait for the right time to pull the net back up. It takes them two attempts to actually catch something for all of them, Michael howling in laughter when Yuzuru pulls up a discarded slipper instead of fish. Yuzuru ends up laughing along with him.

Soyoun helps her uncle in grilling the fish, with Haejin and Zijun helping them. Michael and Yuzuru help in setting the table Han Yan and Jinseo had pulled out of Soyoun’s uncle’s house. Meanwhile, Chloe and Julian keep busy in the house, helping Soyoun’s aunt prep more food. By the time they’re all done with the preparation and the cooking, they all sit under the nearby tree, drinking and eating and laughing like usual.

After all the activity, they’re all yawning, and they decide to lie on their towels and nap under the sun. Yuzuru ends up lying next to Michael, and he’s suddenly hyperaware of the younger one next to him. The sleep that was knocking on his consciousness has suddenly disappeared, and he groans, sitting up. Michael’s sleeping face is peaceful, breathing steady, and Yuzuru almost laughs when he finds his hand sneaking its way next to Soyoun, who is sleeping beside him. He finds it equally funny that he can still find this amusing, especially when his chest is aching again over affections he wishes were toward him.

He shakes off the thoughts and lies back down. The sun is close to setting, and Yuzuru feels a smile spreading to his face. Angsty feelings aside, he hadn’t felt this happy in such a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The term break feels long after that day in the beach. Each of them has their own plans with family back then, others busy with club activities. Michael went out of town with his family, and that basically leaves Yuzuru all by himself. Yuzuru’s used to loneliness, but this time around, the silence is loud.

He keeps himself occupied. The admissions office recommends him a part-time job in one of the university offices, in which the pay isn’t that high, but it’s more than enough for his savings. On weekends, he checks the best places to explore around the area and takes as many photos as he can. By the time the term break is over, he’s lost count of how many films he’s used up.

He spends almost three whole days developing all his photos. By the time the term break is over he has barely moved on from the photos from their beach outing. He smiles fondly as each of them slowly gets developed, reliving the memories. His photos are usually moved to his portfolio, but maybe this time he needs another photo album to tuck all the group photos there.

He stops at one photo when he was compiling all of them in a paper envelope, a temporary storage until he can buy a photo album. It’s a photo of Michael and Soyoun, Michael’s arm draped around her shoulder. Soyoun’s smile is wide, the same smile she had when she posed with Zijun, Haejin, and Chloe, but Michael’s smile shows his gums, a smile whenever there’s something (or in this case, someone) that makes him genuinely happy.

Yuzuru wonders what it’s like to be Soyoun, to be loved by Michael like that. He wonders what it’s like to receive gazes of longing, to be the subject of Michael’s daydreams. He’s tempted to set the photo aside, because he feels something gnawing at his insides again, but he instead he lets out a sigh and tucks it in the album surface, gingerly smoothing out the plastic sheet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second semester registration falls on Michael’s birthday, so the group meets again on the nearby pizza place, the restaurant staff giving them birthday hats, balloons, and free sundae for Michael. The pizza plate is already empty, but the conversation goes on. Chloe gives them all trinkets she bought from Singapore. Soyoun and Haejin flail over the concert of their favorite K-Pop idol group that they watched in Seoul, with Jinseo listening with much jealousy, having to prioritize school paper duties over a Seoul trip. Yuzuru brings out his photo album, and it gets passed around, the group giving sounds of amazement as they flip through the pages.

“You’re an amazing photographer, Yuzuru!” Jinseo remarks. “Why don’t you join the school paper as a photographer?”

“He’s been trying to recruit everyone to join the school paper,” Han Yan says with a roll of his eyes. “Even Michael here.”

Michael chuckles, elbowing Jinseo. “Actually, I’m planning to join next summer. Do you wanna try out with me?”

“Um … sure …?” Yuzuru can’t really refuse. Besides, joining the school paper might be good for credentials.

The forest is too far away, so he bribes Michael on free milk tea. He peels off the plastic sheet and fishes out the photo of Soyoun and Michael, handing it to the other boy. “My birthday gift,” he says, forcing a smile.

Michael’s eyes widen, and he uses the photo to feebly hide his face. “Am I that obvious?” he asks, mortified.

Yuzuru remembers the knowing smirks Han Yan and Jinseo shared during the beach trip, but he figures Michael has enough to worry about. He shrugs. “Not really. I just have pretty good observation skills, that’s all.”

Michael groans, but he lifts the photo from his face and takes a look at it, his smile fond. Even if that smile is for someone else, somehow making Michael happy makes him happy, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This semester is busier than the last. Yuzuru finds himself swamped with final requirements that needed to be started on as early as now—a research paper for English, a research paper for science class, and a group play for Literature class. Yuzuru’s relieved that he’s still classmates with the group, and that hanging out in the forest with Michael is still part of his daily routine. His world opens up a little bit, too, finally getting to know the people with the same major as he has. It isn’t so bad anymore.

“What are your plans for your birthday?” Michael asks him one day, when they’re lounging around in the forest, sharing donut biscuits.

Yuzuru blinks. He didn’t expect anyone to know his birthday. He’s pretty sure he never told anyone, too.

“I collected the class cards in English, so I knew,” Michael explains, embarrassed at the admission.

“Oh.” That makes sense. “I actually don’t have any plans.” He’s never really gone all out with birthday celebrations. It’s a more than ordinary day, him receiving gifts from his friends and family. His mother would cook his favorite food, and he’d blow the candles in his birthday cake, and that would be another day over.

“Really?” It’s Michael’s turn to blink. “But it’s your special day.”

Yuzuru thinks hard. He’s not exactly into celebrating, but maybe for once he can make an exception. “Well …”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His birthday falls on a Sunday, and he asks everyone to his place on a Saturday, so celebrations won’t clash with everyone’s family time. It doesn’t make much of a difference; they will be celebrating the fact that he’s born anyway. For the first time in a while, though, Yuzuru crosses off the dates in his wall calendar, excited for Saturday to come.

He spends the whole Saturday morning cleaning his place and cooking his share of the potluck. By the time it’s past noon, the doorbell rings, and all eight of them are there standing outside, their greetings of “Happy birthday!”, not in chorus, but Yuzuru laughs and feels grateful, anyway.

“Yuzuru, you have this house all to yourself?” Chloe asks as Yuzuru lets them in, reminding them to take off their shoes in the entranceway.

“Yup.” Yuzuru turns on the light to the living room and ushers them all inside. “My sister knows the owner of this house, and she always rents it out because she’s always away. It’s cheaper than staying in a dorm.”

“But you’re all by yourself,” Zijun adds, looking around. “Don’t you feel lonely?”

Yuzuru’s used to being alone, but lately … He nods. “Sometimes,” he half-admits. “But I see you guys all the time, so it’s no problem.”

“He’s so sweet!” Haejin exclaims, bursting into laughter. “Sweet bordering on cheesy! Michael, what have you taught him?”

“I didn’t teach him anything!” Michael laughs, and Yuzuru laughs along with him.

If birthday celebrations are like this, Yuzuru thinks he’d like to do this every year. The food spread is huge, and they barely even finish everything before Soyoun brings out the cake. Yuzuru closes his eyes and blows his candles with one wish in mind, that days like these grow more and more.

He didn’t expect to get any gifts, so he’s surprised to get earphones and the new album from this local band he’s starting to like. “You didn’t have to,” Yuzuru says as he looks at the gifts, wrapped in plastic.

“We want to,” Han Yan says. “You’re part of the group, after all.”

Belonging. That, Yuzuru thinks, is the best gift he has ever received during his stay here.

They all leave a little bit after dinner, Yuzuru receiving hugs and another round of greetings. It’s Michael who stays behind to help clean up, an idea coming to Yuzuru’s head. “Are you in a hurry to go home?” he asks.

Michael shakes his head, stuffing the trash bag in the bin. “Mom’s gonna pick me up, but I still have time. Why?”

“I wanna show you something. Come on up.”

Michael follows him upstairs, and Yuzuru opens the door to the darkroom. He’s not developing any photos at the moment, so he turns on the lights without any hesitation, grinning when Michael lets out a wow as his graze drifts to the photos hanging on the wall. “You took all of these?”

Pride swells in his chest. “All of them.”

“Cool!” He steps closer to the display, chuckling when his gaze stops to look at his photo, the one Yuzuru took in their first trip to the forest. “I’ve always wanted to try developing photos this way.”

“I can teach you,” Yuzuru volunteers. “When we’re not busy.”

“I’d like that!” Michael jumps when his phone beeps, his expression deflating as he reads the message. “Mom’s here. I gotta go.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru feels slightly disappointed, but that’s quick to disappear. “Thanks for coming,” he says as he leads Michael downstairs.

“I had a great time,” Michael says. “I hope you did, too.”

“I did,” Yuzuru admits, opening the door. A small car is parked outside, and he can see Michael’s mother, looking out at them, smiling at him. “Well, see you on Monday. Take care.”

“You too, Yuzu.” Michael steps forward and gives Yuzuru a short hug, and Yuzuru thanks the high heavens that it’s already dark because he can feel his face heat up. “Happy birthday!” He waves before hopping inside the car.

The car has disappeared in sight, but Yuzuru hasn’t left his spot, the feel of Michael’s arms around him still fresh in his memory. The lady passing by the house suddenly stares at him, most probably because he’s grinning like an idiot at that moment. He stares up at the starry sky, and whispers, “Happy birthday to me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He teaches Michael how to develop photos during the Christmas break. Michael had somehow let it slip to his mother that Yuzuru will be spending Christmas break alone, and suddenly he was being invited to stay at their place for Christmas and New Year. Yuzuru has declined, initially, but Mrs. Martinez insists. “No one should be allowed to be alone on Christmas and the New Year,” she says.

So he’s got his bags packed for two weeks, with Michael accompanying him in his place. They’re not exactly in a hurry to get back to Michael’s house, so Yuzuru offers to teach Michael how to develop photos in the darkroom. Michael stumbles in the room, holding on to Yuzuru for balance, and Yuzuru hopes that Michael doesn’t hear the loud pounding of his heart.

“How did you get all of these equipment from Sendai to your place?” Michael asks, hard at work in the enlarger.

“I didn’t,” Yuzuru replies, chuckling. “The owner of this place is a photographer, too, and this darkroom is pretty much set up when I moved in.”

“That’s good to know,” Michael sighs in relief. “Am I doing this right?”

Michael’s a quick learner, and it takes them a couple of hours until the all the remaining photos in Yuzuru’s film stock are developed. Michael looks tired, but he’s grinning in accomplishment, and Yuzuru easily mirrors his grin. Now they have something else to bond over.

Michael yelps when he checks his watch as soon as they get out of the darkroom, their newly developed photos in hand. “We’re late, Mom’s gonna kill me. Come on, Yuzuru, let’s get your things and go.”

Christmas holidays with the Martinez family is a quiet but comfortable affair. Michael’s sister is curious about her younger brother’s new friend, and Michael’s brother just sits there, shaking his head in amusement. Mrs. Martinez keeps them busy by asking them to help clean up the house while she and Michael’s sister prepare dinner. By the time it’s time for dinner, they all sit in the dining table, and Yuzuru feels at home.

He’d like to think that this can be his home, just for once.

They clear up the table, and Mrs. Martinez drags him along the living room to open presents. Yuzuru apologizes for his gifts being last-minute, but the apology gets brushed off. In turn, he gets a T-shirt from Michael’s mother, a box of chocolates from Michael’s sister, and a shop coupon from Michael’s brother. Michael shyly hands him a gift so heavily wrapped that Mrs. Martinez jokes that Michael doesn’t want it opened.

It ends up being a framed photo of their group during their beach outing, taken by Soyoun’s uncle. It was taken during the sunset, when they had just woken up from their naps and have finished packing up. The memory puts a smile to his face once more. “Thank you,” he says, looking at the family.

“You can always come back here for the holidays,” Mrs. Martinez tells him, smiling back.

“I’d like that very much.”

The New Year celebrations are equally busy, Mrs. Martinez having them clean the house again to usher in a better year. He joins in on counting down until the clock strikes midnight and fireworks burst out of the sky. Michael’s smile is wide as he looks up, and Yuzuru’s lucky the fireworks are too loud that Michael doesn’t hear his camera clicking.

A year has ended. Time for another one to make the best of and cherish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**2019**

Yuzuru enters the office the next day and finds a stack of folders on his desk. He can hear Ms. Abe chuckle as he stares at them in confusion. “You’re in demand,” she remarks. “That’s a request for you from everyone who went to your exhibit last night.”

“Ah, the price you pay for fame,” Kanako says, swiveling in her seat. “Need a personal assistant, Yuzu? I don’t charge much.”

“I’ll pass.” Yuzuru sits down and stares at the folders again, not sure where to start. He ends up picking random folders and listing the event and the date for each. There’s a charity drive, a high school dance, and too many other events that he wants to accommodate, but he knows he can’t.

He spends his whole day fixing his schedule so he can at least accommodate most of the client requests. Luckily for him, all the events aren’t until next week, which gives him free time for the week. Ms. Abe has basically given him a flexible schedule at work for his exhibit, and now that there’s not much to do aside from dropping by every day, he’d like to make the most of his free time as much as he can.

“By the way,” Kanako speaks up once he’s got his schedule smoothed, “have you and your boyfriend kept in touch?”

Yuzuru’s fingers freeze on the keyboard, his Word document filled with a continuous stream of “I”s. “He’s not my boyfriend,” he replies once he has composed himself. “And we haven’t kept in touch.”

Kanako tsks and shakes her head. “Too bad,” she says. “You two look cute together.”

“It was a long time ago.” Yuzuru focuses back on his schedule, frowning when he mixes up two events. “Things have changed.” Because time changes people, he figures, and they aren’t an exception. Sometimes Yuzuru wonders what would have happened if he wasn’t such a coward, but it’s too late for regrets. That moment is over, and he should move on.

“Yuzuru?” Mao peeks her head from the reception area. “Someone wants to see you.”

“Who?” Yuzuru scrunches his face in confusion. He doesn’t recall setting an appointment with anyone today.

Mao opens her mouth to speak, but she gets interrupted when a figure steps in the office. Yuzuru’s eyes widen. It’s been two years since he saw people from university, and nostalgia quickly hits him. Who would have known—

“Soyoun?”


	3. Chapter 3

**2019**

Night has fallen, and Yuzuru watches people pass by from his seat by the café’s window. It’s already Friday, and everyone is moving quickly—eager to go home, to meet their friends, or to rush to their dates. Yuzuru would have been home around this time, but not tonight. An unexpected visitor from the office has led him from dinner to catch up, to this café to catch up some more.

Soyoun is more beautiful than the last time Yuzuru had remembered seeing her. Gone are the ponytails and braids, her hair flowing down her shoulders in gentle curls; her bubbly giggle replaced by soft chuckles as they talk about their years in university, and the year after that. Yuzuru can’t deny he missed her, missed the group lunches and the beach trips and everything else.

Soyoun is quick to report the goings-on of everyone in the group. All of them have stable jobs, it seems—she and Haejin are working on a boutique under the supervision of their favorite senior in university; Jinseo’s making a name for himself in the investigative journalism scene; Han Yan’s learning to take over his family’s business; Chloe’s enjoying herself teaching grade school kids; Julian’s in law school; and Zijun is trying to save the world, one environmental campaign at a time. Yuzuru’s glad all is well for them, that they got to do what they’ve always wanted to do.

There’s one person in the group that Soyoun hasn’t mentioned, and Yuzuru knows her too well to guess that she’s doing it on purpose. “How about … Michael?” he asks, as offhandedly as possible. “How’s he doing?”

“Yuzuru,” Soyoun chuckles, sipping her latte. “Don’t be so casual when it comes to Michael … unless time has changed your feelings?”

It hasn’t, if Yuzuru is going to be honest with himself. Kanako has set him up with dates from both acquaintances to complete strangers, and just when he thinks they’d hit off, he comes back to that awed smile watching the sunset in that forest. He’s still in love with a ghost of the past.

“You miss him,” Soyoun says, “don’t you?”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,” Yuzuru admits, sighing in defeat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**2014**

Once again, time flies fast. They resume classes in January, their professors immediately dumping midterm examinations on them. They spend some evenings in the study hall, other evenings in the library for their research papers. On their free weekends, they rehearse and make props for their Literature play, a modern adaptation of one of the local short stories. Soyoun’s been given the lead role of the unreachable woman, with Michael playing the young man attracted to her. It was Jinseo’s idea, the director and all.

“I think Jinseo knows,” Michael tells him when they’re in the forest, delighting in a shot they took of a flock of birds in the clear, blue sky. They haven’t been in the forest in a while, and going back feels like they’ve reached an oasis after a long trek in the desert. “I mean, why would he pick me to be the lead role in the first place?”

Yuzuru shrugs. He had caught the mischievous sparkle in Jinseo’s eyes as he was delegating roles for the play. Fortunately, he’ll only be part of the sounds department, where he’ll only have to worry about whether the background music is too loud or too soft while the play is ongoing.

“It’s Valentine’s Day next week,” Michael says, changing the topic. “I wanna give something to Soyoun …”

“Are you planning to confess to her already?” Yuzuru asks, his heart sinking. He didn’t expect Michael to confess so soon, although he already anticipated the possibility.

“Um!” Michael’s face is as red as his shirt. “Not exactly …? Maybe just drop a hint or … something …?”

“Whatever works for you,” Yuzuru says, shrugging again. He hopes his relief isn’t obvious. “There’s a club that has an anonymous flower delivery service. Maybe you wanna sign up for that?”

Michael shakes his head. “I want to make it personal, and not just a random bouquet of flowers,” he says, sighing. “But I don’t want to make it _too_ obvious, either.”

“How about a letter?” Yuzuru suggests. “A letter’s more personal. And maybe you can change your handwriting a bit so she won’t figure out who it’s from. Then you can slip it in her locker.”

“You think so?” Michael’s eyes brighten up, considering the suggestion. “Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. Thanks, Yuzuru.”

Yuzuru doesn’t even know why he’s bothering on giving suggestions. He’s clearly in love with Michael, wants Michael all to himself, but here he is, pushing Michael to make a move on someone he loves. Someone who isn’t him. But then again, it’s still unclear as to whether Soyoun shares the same feelings. It’s possible, but there’s also a possibility that she doesn’t. The thought alone gives Yuzuru a tiny ray of hope.

A week later, Yuzuru catches Soyoun opening a letter that slipped out of her locker during Valentine’s Day. He watches her read it, and slowly, he feels his heart sinking when a fond smile crosses her face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They finish all their final requirements, and they stage their play on the last day of classes. Their professor gives them a standing ovation, as do the rest of their classmates, and they spend the end of the curtain call taking pictures and giving each other hugs and farewell messages. Yuzuru finds it funny because they’re only in their first year, but he realizes that they’re all in different majors, and the chances of them being classmates again for non-major subjects for the next three years had just lowered. Yuzuru can’t help but feel sad, too.

They have dinner to celebrate the end of the school year, Haejin and Soyoun able to pressure Jinseo to treat them all because he’s the play director. They’re in their favorite pizza place again, discussing plans for the summer. Some of them decide to take summer classes, just to make their load lighter in the later years. Yuzuru is tempted to take some classes in advance, too, for the same reason. Besides, the thought of going back to Sendai makes his stomach churn.

There’s a tap on his shoulder, and it’s Michael looking at him, eyebrows furrowed. When Yuzuru raises an eyebrow, Michael hands him his phone, a message typed up there, something he didn’t want others to know.

 _“I’m confessing to Soyoun later,”_ the message reads.

Yuzuru feels like he’d been doused with ice cold water. He briefly remembers the fond smile on Soyoun’s face when she read Michael’s Valentine’s letter, and all hope he had fades completely. He hopes Michael didn’t notice his shaking hands as he types up a reply.

_“Good luck. Let me know how it goes.”_

Michael offers to walk Soyoun home as soon as they pay the bill. The others exchange knowing looks as they see the two off, with Jinseo and Han Yan snickering. Haejin looks concerned, though, and Yuzuru is tempted to ask her what’s wrong, but it’s none of his business, so he bids everyone off before walking home.

He’s barely opened the door, though, when he receives a call from Michael. He answers on the first ring. “Hey,” he says, “what’s up?”

“Hi,” Michael says. “You home yet?”

“I just got home …” Yuzuru trails off. Is Michael’s voice shaking? “What happened? Are you okay?”

“I …” Michael takes a deep breath. “Soyoun rejected me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I see. It’s already late. I think it’s best he stays over there for the night. I’ll come pick him up tomorrow.”

“Okay, I’ll take care of him, Mrs. Martinez.”

“Thank you, Yuzuru.” And then she hangs up.

Yuzuru puts his phone back in his desk and checks the nearby room. Michael is lying on the guest room bed, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes aren’t red, but he looks like life has been taken away from him. The sight tugs at him painfully. “Can I come in?” he asks after a gentle knock on the door.

Michael doesn’t reply, instead moves his head to look at him, and Yuzuru takes it as a yes. He takes a seat on the edge of the bed, trying to be consoling, but not too obvious that he’s implying that _She doesn’t like you that way, but I do._ Instead, he says nothing.

It feels like silence had passed for hours that Yuzuru almost jumps when Michael speaks up. “Yuzuru?” he says, his voice cracking.

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Yuzuru freezes. “Yeah …” he replies, hoping that it won’t conclude to something that he’s not yet prepared for. “But it’s not mutual.”

“Does it hurt? Does it hurt to love someone who doesn’t love you back?”

He closes his eyes, and images of Michael gazing at Soyoun come to mind. “Yes,” he says, softly. “Yes, it does.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are dark circles under Michael’s eyes when Yuzuru finds him up the next day. Yuzuru’s barely had any sleep either, but he doesn’t let it show as he serves his guest breakfast. “My sister said my pancakes are the best,” is his attempt to lighten the mood as he shoves the plate towards Michael. When Michael just stares at the plate, he sighs. “Come on, eat up. I need a second opinion.”

Michael’s lips turn up a bit, his smile a bit bigger after he takes a bite. “Yeah, your sister’s right,” he says. “Your pancakes are good.”

Yuzuru beams, the drowsiness fading a bit.

They eat breakfast in silence, after which Michael receives a text from his mother that she won’t be able to pick him up today because of some emergency at work. “I can walk you to the station,” Yuzuru offers.

Michael bites his bottom lip, in deep thought. Finally, he shakes his head and speedily types a reply. “I wanna stay here, just for the day,” he says, looking at him to ask for permission. “… if that’s okay with you.”

“Well …” Yuzuru doesn’t really have to think hard for an answer. “If you want to stay, then that’s okay with me.”

He gives Michael some of his clothes for the latter to change on. As soon as he’s done changing, Yuzuru asks, “What do you wanna do today?”

Michael shrugs. “I don’t really know,” he replies. “What do you usually do when you’re at home?”

“I’m a pretty boring person,” Yuzuru says, embarrassed at the admission. “I just, I don’t know, play video games or develop my photos.”

Michael’s eyes brighten. “At the darkroom? Can I help again?”

Michael isn’t much help, having gotten rusty months after Yuzuru taught him how to develop the photos in the dark room. He doesn’t complain, however, patiently re-teaching the basics. Michael gives up, eventually, and instead watches Yuzuru, the other one feeling self-conscious. Thank goodness his photos didn’t turn out bad.

“Why do you take photos?” Michael asks him as he watches Yuzuru hang the finished products to dry.

“Hmm?” Yuzuru remembers that time in high school when he passed by a photo exhibition in the shopping mall. It was a collage of people all over the world—laughing, smiling, crying, in love. Yuzuru had wanted to capture moments like those, too. He had bought his camera on a whim, and his mother was furious about it, but Yuzuru had never been the impulsive type, and he had never felt accomplished. “I guess … capturing moments makes me feel more human … or something.”

He can see Michael’s grin despite the dim light, his gaze on the group photo of their class play. The sadness in his eyes still hasn’t faded away, not that Yuzuru’s expecting it to go away quickly. It’s only been a day, after all. “I’ll get over it,” he declares, finally, after a long stretch of silence.

“You will,” Yuzuru assures him, hand on his shoulder. “Give it time. And you need to keep yourself busy, you know.”

Michael nods. “Thank god Soyoun’s not taking summer classes,” he says. “You’re going back to Sendai, right?”

Yuzuru just received his ticket last week, his mother apologizing about being inconsiderate and hoping they can sort things out when he returns. He’s glad that things are going smoothly, but suddenly he’s having second thoughts.

“I’m not,” he says, finally. “There was a change of plans. I might take summer classes, too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s not required to take summer classes, but he can, according to the registrar. The kind person manning the front desk advised him, too, because taking some classes in advance will give him more time to focus on his major subjects by the time he reaches his third and fourth year. So Yuzuru takes whatever classes Michael is taking.

Summer classes are so much more relaxed than classes during the regular semesters. The teachers are nicer, and the requirements are more lenient. For history, they get to explore the Walled City and write a paper about it, while for foreign language class they get to explore the Little Tokyo in the city. Yuzuru and Michael take countless photos and spend the rest of the afternoons developing them in Yuzuru’s dark room.

They get accepted as photographers in the school paper, and Jinseo is giving them a very pleased look when they attend the first club general assembly. They’re quick to be given assignments, covering various events on campus, tagging along with news writers as they interview and investigate. Yuzuru’s used to not being told what photos to take, but he’s somewhat thankful for a change in pace and for some direction.

Down time is spent in the club room, where Yuzuru and Michael get to know the other people in the club. The summer issue is not exactly busy, so they make the most of the free time to just lounge around the room, a welcome change from their usual hangout in the cafés near the campus or in Yuzuru’s place. Michael is always drowsy in the afternoons and likes napping on the club room’s couch. Yuzuru takes the opportunity to snap a photo one day, and gets caught by Jinseo in the process.

“I—” Yuzuru tries to explain, quickly turning off his camera.

Jinseo smirks. “Blackmail purposes, huh?” He gives a thumbs-up before joining Yuzuru in the long table. “Good job.”

Yuzuru hopes Jinseo didn’t hear his sigh of relief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One morning, Yuzuru’s awoken by the ringing of the doorbell. He checks his watch and frowns—Michael isn’t coming over until before lunch. Still, the ringing becomes more urgent, and he tries to get himself out of bed to answer the door.

He’s expecting some salesperson, one of his neighbors, anyone else but his sister standing outside the door. She’s wearing her summer dress, and she’s clutching to two large bags, the bags she used during their week-long trip in Kyoto. She gives him an amused grin as his face contorts from grogginess to surprise. “Long time no see, little brother,” she greets, patting his head, a gesture he dislikes ever since he’s grown a bit taller than his sister.

It takes Yuzuru probably a couple of minutes before he manages to say something. “Nee-chan? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, come on, Yuzu, that’s not how you greet the sister you haven’t seen for months,” Saya says, chuckling. “Come on, where are your manners? Let me in. The heat is killing me.”

Yuzuru grumbles, but he obliges. He lets Saya in and pours her a glass of iced tea before turning on the AC in full blast and sitting next to her. Saya comments on how refreshing the iced tea was before he gets to the point. “I repeat—what are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Saya replies. “Mom sent me to check up on you. She’s upset that you decided not to come home for your vacation, and she thinks you’re still mad at her.”

“I’m not mad at her,” Yuzuru says, and he’s finally telling the truth this time. “I just had to take some classes for the summer.”

“But they’re not required,” Saya points out, raising an eyebrow. “I checked your curriculum, Yuzu. Gotta make sure you didn’t ship yourself here to study in some shady university, you know.”

Yuzuru opens his mouth to explain, but what is he supposed to say? “I—”

He’s interrupted with the doorbell ringing, and he promptly stands up. “I’ll go get that! It must be the mail man,” he announces, hurriedly heading to the entrance. He makes most of this interruption to come up with an explanation. Maybe he could say that the admissions office recommended it—

Michael is there, he finds out as soon as he opens the door. “Hey!” he greets. “I came a bit early; Mom dropped me off before she went to work.”

“Um …”

“Yuzu!” Yuzuru jumps and looks over his shoulder to find Saya standing behind him, hands on her hips and a smirk forming in her lips. “Did I interrupt an outing? Were you supposed to go out with your friend today?”

Michael blinks at the visitor.

“I’m Saya, Yuzuru’s older sister,” she says, giving a small bow. “Nice to meet you …?”

“Um, Michael,” he replies, awkwardly repeating the gesture. “I’m Yuzuru’s friend.”

Yuzuru can see the cogs turning in his sister’s head, and he feels this is going to result in a long interrogation later on. Her smirk is quick to disappear, replaced by a genial smile. “Well, Michael,” she says, “do you want to have brunch? Yuzuru likes my tempura.”

“That’ll be great, thank you.”

There are no shrimps in the fridge, so Saya orders Yuzuru to buy some, with Michael accompanying him to the nearby grocery store. Yuzuru finds the silence quite awkward, and he supposes it’s because of his sister’s unforeseen arrival. “You’ve never told me much about your sister,” Michael says, finally breaking the silence.

“I … I’ve never really talked about my family, to be honest,” Yuzuru admits.

“Yeah, you never did …” Michael nods thoughtfully, stopping at the flour aisle. They don’t really need flour, but knowing Michael, he tends to stop on his tracks whenever he’s about to talk about something serious. “I mean, it’s totally okay, because it’s probably something you don’t like talking about, but …” He trails off. “I’m your friend, so … if you wanna talk about anything, I’m here.” He gives a reassuring smile for emphasis. “I’m not good at giving advice, but I can listen.”

He had never opened up to anyone before, not even Saya. Opening up and sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings meant showing his vulnerable side, and the thought doesn’t sound appealing to him. But having his guard up can be tiring, too. He sighs. “We didn’t really have a huge fight,” he admits. “I guess they had my life planned out for me, and I stuck to that plan … until recently.”

Michael hums, moving to make way for others to pass in the aisle. He listens as Yuzuru talks, only nodding in understanding and asking questions that are meant to clarify, not pry. By the time Yuzuru’s finished, he feels much better, lighter than he had ever felt in years.

“Better?” Michael asks, head tilted to one side.

“Yeah.” Yuzuru smiles. “Much better. Thanks.”

Michael mirrors his smile, hand hovering on his shoulder for a bit, his touch warm. “Okay, come on. Your sister might be wondering what’s taking us so long.”

“We can tell her the line is so long,” Yuzuru points out, and Michael’s laugh is music to his ears.

Admittedly, his sister being here isn’t so bad after all. Saya tells him of how they’re doing back in Sendai, Yuzuru being nostalgic and being convinced to come back for at least a week before their first semester registration. She tells Michael to visit Sendai, too, once he’s got the chance. “Yuzu would be glad to give you a tour,” she adds, giving Yuzuru a wink, causing him to look down at his food to avoid Michael catching him blushing.

Saya only has a couple of days before flying back to Sendai, so she asks them to take her to a tour around the city. They take her to the park, where they take more photos, with Saya insisting on a family photo so that she has proof that Yuzuru is doing fine. Eventually, when the tour is done, she treats them to dinner, giving Michael a huge hug before sending him off.

“Yuzu,” Saya tells him, tone serious as they walk home.

“What?”

“You know I didn’t like it when you suddenly made a change of plans without any valid reason,” she says, her lips pursed.

“I know,” Yuzuru sighs. He will admit that he made a wrong move on his part. “I’m sorry. I’ll make sure I’ll think about my decisions carefully.”

“But you know”—her lips turn up—“I guess I’ll let this go. You’ve changed, Yuzu. For the better.”

“Really now?” Yuzuru had looked at himself at the mirror that morning, and he thinks he didn’t really change. Maybe he’d gained a couple of pounds for accompanying the lifestyle writers in their food reviews, but other than that, he didn’t really feel any change in him at all.

“Or maybe that’s just me,” Saya quickly adds with a chuckle. “And by the way”—Yuzuru gulps when he sees the mischievous glint in her eyes—“Michael’s a keeper. Don’t lose him, okay?”

Yuzuru feels his face heating up, and he makes no attempt to hide it this time as Saya laughs heartily. He nods, nonetheless. The thought of Michael not by his side …

He didn’t even entertain that thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The summer vacation is quick to pass. Yuzuru and Michael pass the two subjects and go their separate ways for the time being. Michael gets dragged to go out of town by his family, while Yuzuru keeps his promise and goes back to Sendai. His mother is more bearable this time, and he admits that he missed his hometown and his family. Surprisingly, he’s more reluctant to leave, but he knows he should, because he’ll be starting his second year in university.

Michael won’t be coming back until a couple of days, so Yuzuru is all by himself when he returns to university for registration. He had actually enlisted for classes online, but there was one class that was in conflict with his schedule, so he had to personally visit the department to request that he be squeezed in another class. It’s such a hassle, but better fix it now rather than get a three-hour break in between classes.

He’s sitting in the department lobby, waiting for confirmation from the department head, when he feels the weight on the sofa shift. When he looks … “Soyoun!”

Soyoun looks a little tanned from her summer vacation, and she grins. “Hi, Yuzuru,” she greets. “How was your vacation?”

“It was great,” Yuzuru replies, with a grin. “How about you? Or I take it that you had fun, too?”

“I did!” Soyoun opens her bag and brings out a trinket, a souvenir from her trip. She talks about her adventures and the people she met, until the department secretary calls both of their names. “What class are you getting?”

“The 1:30-3:00 one, by Professor Wilson.”

“I’m planning to take that class, too!”

Fortunately for them, a couple of students backed out of that class, giving them the chance to register there. After the usual lining up to pay for the school fees, Soyoun invites Yuzuru for lunch in the cafeteria, where they talk more about their vacation.

“By the way,” Soyoun says, absentmindedly poking her food when Yuzuru finishes talking about Sendai, “how’s Michael?”

“Um …” Yuzuru carefully examines Soyoun’s expression; she looks concerned, maybe after her rejection. “He’s doing okay, I guess. It’ll take time before he stops being awkward around you, though.”

“Can’t be helped, I guess,” Soyoun sighs. “I’m prepared for it. I love Michael, but … not that way.” She shakes her head. “But I guess he’s doing okay because you’re there.”

Yuzuru’s observant enough to recognize that gleam in Soyoun’s eyes as she said those words. _Shit._ He’s gone through a year without anyone knowing—why are people discovering now? He looks at his plate. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, you two are special friends,” Soyoun quickly says with a chuckle. “Unless”—she pauses and tilts her head curiously—“you have special feelings for your special friend?”

Yuzuru can’t control the rush of heat to his face, and he groans when Soyoun smiles victoriously. “Please—don’t—tell—anyone—” he pleads, looking around anxiously as if someone he knows could just come in and overhear their conversation. “No one’s supposed to know—”

“Don’t worry,” Soyoun interrupts, reaching out to pat his hand, which is a struggle since she's sitting across him. “Your secret’s safe with me. But are you planning to tell that secret to Michael?”

Yuzuru has a scenario in his head. They’re in the forest, and he’s spilling his secret to the one person who he had given his heart to a year ago. The thought brings chills throughout his body. It’s scary, scarier than every visit to the amusement park haunted house.

“Maybe someday,” he says, finally. “But not too soon.”


	4. Chapter 4

The year passes by so quickly again, that Yuzuru wishes time could just stop or slow down for a bit. Second year in university got them busy with major subjects that they spend more time with their course mates; their usual group lunch would only be held once or twice a week, and they’re incomplete most of the time. Yuzuru, Michael, and Jinseo have their school paper duties, and most of the time it’s the three of them who hang out more. Yuzuru, meanwhile, spends time with Soyoun, too, when Michael isn’t around.

It’s funny, how things have turned out. One moment he was wondering how it is like to be loved by Michael the way he loved and pined for Soyoun. Now, he’s practically spilling his deepest and darkest secret to the girl in question. He could spend his lifetime denying it, but Soyoun has ways to get information out of him that put Jinseo’s investigative journalism skills to shame. Then again, he feels a bit better; it’s like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

“I can’t believe you hang out with her!” Michael tells him when they’re in the forest one day, annoyed that Yuzuru keeps snatching his donut biscuits. “I mean …” He pauses, ears pink in embarrassment. “Not that I have any problems … I just … it’s weird that you both know about what happened and …”

“We’ve been sharing a class since first semester, and sometimes we walk together,” Yuzuru explains with a shrug. “We’re friends, so talking about what happened between you two is kind of inevitable.”

“This is embarrassing,” Michael groans, burying his face in his hands. Yuzuru can only pat his back, to console his friend somehow.

When they _do_ get together for lunch, or in their usual pizza place, Michael would act more awkwardly than he usually is, like the mere sight of Soyoun is enough to get him to run away. It’s become a running joke (no pun intended) among the group, although Soyoun can’t help but voice out her concern.

“I want things back the way they are,” Soyoun tells him one time when they take a break from studying.

“Get him alone,” Yuzuru tells him. To be honest, he’s tired of two friends being awkward with each other. Even Haejin and Jinseo had conspired to lock the two of them in a closet until they sort things out. “He’s obviously scared of you after the confession, and you should make things clear that nothing should change because you rejected him.”

“I know …” Soyoun sighs. “I’m going to talk to him. Wish I’d done it sooner …”

They go out on Soyoun’s birthday, where she invited everyone for an out-of-town overnight trip. Han Yan and Jinseo take turns in driving, even though their destination is just a couple of hours away from their university. Julian blasts their travel playlist, but the music is drowned out by catching up in the months when group lunches became infrequent. The wind is cold when they arrive, Han Yan scrolling down the window to let the breeze brush against their faces.

They check in their guest house and leave the van parked there before they start exploring. The girls made an itinerary prior to the trip, but they make changes here and there. They stroll through the park, attend a haunted house tour, and scroll through Yuzuru and Michael’s cameras to check if a ghost just joined their group photo. There’s a strawberry farm, and they pick everything that they can grab their hands to take home to their friends and family when they get home. Then, Yuzuru manages to strike up a conversation with a fellow Japanese who has been running a restaurant around the area. They get complimentary lunch as the owner nostalgically tells stories of his stay here, with Yuzuru acting as the translator.

They catch a night parade and poke around the area for street food before heading back to the guest house. Jinseo and Haejin have talked to the owner of the guest house to bring in the birthday cake as soon as they come in, and Soyoun squeals in delight as she blows her candles without even bothering to step inside just yet. Once that’s done, they move to the lobby where Soyoun opens all her presents, laughing when Zijun gives her a teddy bear with the face of her favorite idol plastered on it.

They help the owner clean up the lobby before Soyoun grabs Michael by the hood of his shirt. “Michael,” she says. “I need to talk to you. Alone.”

Michael blinks, and the color is quick to rush out of his face. “A-Alone?” he repeats, his voice full of panic, especially when everyone else but him and Soyoun start to rise up to head to their rooms. He grabs Yuzuru’s shoulder, as if asking for help, but Yuzuru gently pushes it away and shakes his head.

“It’ll be okay, don’t worry,” Yuzuru says, giving Michael a reassuring smile as he follows the rest of the group upstairs.

The girls are still lingering outside their rooms when Yuzuru manages to head up. “Do you think this’ll work out?” Chloe asks worriedly.

“It will,” Haejin tells her. “Soyoun and Michael have been friends long enough. A confession gone wrong shouldn’t ruin their friendship.”

Yuzuru nods in agreement. He has complete faith in the two.

It’s already late into the night when Michael returns to their room and joins him in the balcony. Yuzuru had been in awe of the full moon from where he is and is too busy taking photos that he almost jumps in surprise when Michael leans against the railing, looking up. “How did it go?” he asks.

Michael laughs in embarrassment and scratches the back of his head. “She’s to the point, but that’s Soyoun for you,” he says. “We just talked about what happened and what we felt and …” He pauses, his gaze on the moon nostalgic. “I guess we missed each other. I loved her, but I missed her more as a friend.”

Yuzuru mentally sighs in relief. “So you’re not gonna avoid her anymore?”

Michael shakes his head.

“Are you …” Yuzuru pauses; this is a stupid question, but he just wants to make sure. “Do you still like her that way?”

Michael shakes his head once more, and Yuzuru feels a weight being lifted off his shoulders.

When they head back to their room, Yuzuru’s phone has an unread message from Soyoun.

_“I did my part! Now it’s time for you to tell Michael what you feel! ;)”_

Yuzuru feels heat rush to his face, and he quickly looks around to check if Michael’s there, about to ask questions he’s not ready to answer just yet. Fortunately, Michael has disappeared to the bathroom, oblivious to the furious pounding of his heart.

When he’s sure he’s calmed down, he types a reply.

_“I will. But not now.”_

It’s all about timing. Michael is just recovering from a heartbreak, and Yuzuru doesn’t want the other to feel confused enough as he is. He’s not going to take advantage of that.

He will tell Michael what he feels. When he sees a faint glimmer of hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Third year in university feels like the fastest year to pass. They have more major courses in addition to other courses that shouldn’t feel like majors, but the professors dump workload on them like they’re major courses. Group lunches have dwindled further, all of them in favor of focusing on their schoolwork and spending time with people who they share the same major with. Yuzuru finds himself having lunch and walking home alone these days, and every time there is a pang of longing to be back in freshman year.

“Don’t you wish we can just go back to when it was all easy?” he asks Michael. They’re in the school paper club room, post-processing photos. He and the rest of the assistant editors are rushing to fix the rest of the next issue, and the senior editors have dumped the work on them, to check whether they’re fit to be part of the editorial board next year. Yuzuru knows it means more responsibilities than actual schoolwork, but he never wanted it more than anything else.

Michael leans back his chair and rubs his eyes, tired from staring at his laptop for too long. “Lots of times,” he admits. “But if we don’t change, we don’t grow, do we?”

Yuzuru laughs. “Since when have you been so contemplative?” he points out.

“It’s 2a.m., Yuzuru,” Michael replies, and they share a laugh at that.

Eventually, they finally finish the entire layout, submitted to the senior editors. Mrs. Martinez has already texted him for Michael to stay in his place should they finish really late. Jinseo has decided to come, too. Yuzuru was not prepared for two guests at home, but his living room can be used as a makeshift bedroom, which is fine by Michael and Jinseo. After three rounds of rock-paper-scissors, it’s Jinseo who triumphantly crashes in the guest room, Michael not even groaning when he crashes on Yuzuru’s couch.

“You can take my room,” Yuzuru offers.

“No, it’s okay.” Michael shakes his head, yawning. “I’m too tired to even get up. This place is good. Really good.”

Yuzuru chuckles. “I’ll go get a pillow and a blanket,” he tells him before heading upstairs.

Surprisingly, Michael is wide awake by the time he returns; he’s usually asleep the moment he lies down somewhere. “I thought you’re already asleep,” he says as he hands Michael the blanket and the pillow.

“I’m tired, but I can’t find myself to sleep,” Michael admits sheepishly, propping himself against the proffered pillow. “I don’t know, suddenly I’m thinking about things …”

“What kind of things?” Yuzuru takes a seat on the ground, leaning against the foot of the couch.

Michael pauses, as if hesitating. “You’ll make fun of me,” he says, finally.

“I wouldn’t know if I will if you won’t tell me.”

There’s another pause before he hears the words: “Suddenly, I thought of Soyoun.”

Yuzuru doesn’t laugh. He hopes Michael doesn’t hear the sharp intake of breath. There’s no green-eyed monster coming out of him, but he does remember Michael’s unreturned gazes towards Soyoun, Michael’s dejected voice when Soyoun had rejected him, and many other memories he thought had been buried for a year. “Are you having feelings for her again?” he asks.

“No!” Michael replies, a little louder than what he had probably intended. “I mean … I guess I just remembered me loving her, but I don’t feel that way about her anymore.” He sighs. “I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone the same way I loved her.”

“You will,” Yuzuru assures him, and he wonders if Michael hears the loud pounding of his heart. “Someone out there loves you, and someday you’ll know of their love, and hopefully you’ll love them the same way.” _Someone like me_ , he wants to say, but he’s gauging the setting, if now’s his chance …

“Speaking from experience?” Michael says with a chuckle.

“A bit.” Yuzuru half-admits, smiling sheepishly.

“You never tell me about that experience,” Michael points out.

“Are we skipping bed time to actually talk about love lives?”

“I can’t sleep, Yuzuru.”

Maybe he can do this now … He shifts so that he’s facing Michael. The room is already dark, but he and Michael are sharing gazes, and his heart continues to pound loudly. Why not? He’s been hiding this feeling for almost three years. Delay the confession, and he probably won’t take it anymore. “I need to tell you something …”

He can make out Michael blinking. “What?”

He gulps. It’s now or never. “I—”

“Yuzuru?” He’s interrupted by Jinseo’s voice. He looks over his shoulder and finds said friend trudging towards them. “D’you mind if I get a glass of water? I’m thirsty.”

“Yeah … sure …” Yuzuru stands up, trying not to give Jinseo a death glare of some sort.

By the time Jinseo’s happily hydrated and he has gone back to the living room, Michael is already sound asleep. His arm is hanging from the couch, his expression peaceful, blanket barely even covering his body. Yuzuru feels a sigh escaping his lips; whether it’s sadness or some other feeling, he doesn’t know.

“Maybe it’s not today,” he whispers as he tucks Michael in the blanket. The sleeping boy barely moved while in slumber, and it takes a lot for Yuzuru not to lean forward and press his lips on Michael’s forehead. “Good night, Michael. Sleep tight.”

Michael’s peaceful slumber continues, and Yuzuru heads up to his room, where he sleeps a dreamless sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The group is complete when they attend an evening film screening and picnic hosted by the university’s film club. Almost. Soyoun and Haejin are held up in a three-hour examination, but they promise to catch up afterwards. After that film screening and picnic, they’ll be back to more major requirements; the next time they’ll probably be complete as a group again would be after the school year.

No one’s paying attention to the movie anymore. In fact, it feels like a reunion of some sort, hugs and laughter and long stories of what they had been up to since the last time they were together. Julian’s already suggesting a road trip at the end of the school year, and the girls are quick to lay out an itinerary. Yuzuru doesn’t contribute to the planning, just leans back and looks up at the night sky. “The stars look beautiful tonight,” he remarks, more to himself than to the group.

“Yeah, it is.” Michael is sitting beside him, looking up at the sky as well. The look of wonder in his face is simply breathtaking that Yuzuru wants to take back his words that was meant for the stars.

Eventually, the movie is over, and a band starts playing. The group stands up to head to the front, Zijun asking the two of them if they’re coming with. Yuzuru shakes his head. He’s not familiar with the band, and he likes where he is right now. Michael shifts closer and leans his head on his shoulder, and he doesn’t regret his decision. “Sleepy?” he asks teasingly.

“A bit,” Michael admits. “Lab class. I’ve been there the whole day.”

“Do you want me to get coffee? I spotted a booth over here that sells coffee.”

Michael shakes his head. “Nah, I’m just gonna stay here.”

“Don’t turn me into a pillow.”

“Deal with it,” Michael quips, making a face before his gaze is back to the stars.

Yuzuru rolls his eyes, but to tell the truth, he’d rather stay here as well. That feeling is rising up in his chest again, that moment when he needs to say _it_ , lest he explode. Now’s the time, he can feel it. He nudges Michael to sit back straight, and the other looks at him, looking curious. “Michael …” he says, in what he feels in a voice that he doesn’t own.

“Hmm?” Michael asks, blinking.

He takes a deep breath. “I have something to tell you …”

“Oh, okay. What is it?”

Yuzuru opens his mouth to say the words he had wanted to say since that day in the forest, but he hears a familiar voice calling their names. When he looks over his shoulder, Soyoun and Haejin are approaching, looking relieved. He can’t even move, and doesn’t even realize that Michael has gotten up to chat with them, asking how the test went. By the time he’s gotten up, he doesn’t digest Soyoun’s ranting about some portion of the multiple-choice exam, doesn’t even realize that Haejin has dragged Michael to the booths for some comfort food until Soyoun has poked him.

“You’re out of it today,” she comments, looking worried. “Everything okay?”

“I …” Yuzuru says, rubbing a hand on his forehead. “I was about to confess to Michael.”

Shock is quick to register in Soyoun’s face, and she immediately shakes Yuzuru by his shoulders. “You could have told me!” she almost shrieks. “I would have dragged Haejin somewhere else if I knew!”

“It was a spontaneous decision,” Yuzuru assures her, even though deep down he feels disappointed, when reality doesn’t match expectations. “Though I think the moment’s ruined now.”

“I am _so_ sorry!” Soyoun claps her hands together and pouts as a form of apology. “Let’s go get something to eat. My treat.”

Yuzuru sighs and lets himself be dragged along. “Fine. But you can help me plan how I’m going to confess to Michael without any interruptions.”

“Deal.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the plans never pushed through. Academics and club responsibilities suddenly have to take over. The last thing Yuzuru wants is to be distracted from his priorities, and besides, Michael is equally busy, and he doesn’t need a distraction either. So he delays the confession, waiting for the right moment to finally say it.

The time never came, and the next thing he knows is that it’s been four years since he stepped in this university. He’s officially a senior now, and senior year means last times and goodbyes before they head back to the “real world.” It’s all too fast. They’re attending these career fairs and working on their final papers and examinations, and then the school year’s over. Aside from the graduation magazine for the school paper, he’s set to graduate in a month’s time.

Before senior year, he and his mother had made a deal. He’s to go back to Sendai after graduation, just stay there for a couple of months, and then he can do whatever he wants. Where “whatever he wants” is, Yuzuru has a vague idea. He wants to go around the world, take photos, maybe put up an exhibit. He’s already done one for his final senior project, and he had received positive reviews; the gang was in full attendance, singing praises, and so did his professors and people he didn’t know. It felt great, and he wanted to do more.

“Why don’t you apply for the art awards?” his project adviser, Professor Orser, suggests as soon as the final guest in the senior exhibit has left.

Yuzuru blinks. He’s heard of the annual art awards, attended by the best artists and performers in the university. The interested student should submit a portfolio of their work, and the awardees are decided by the university president, the dean, and some other panel. Yuzuru hadn’t thought about it, but now … “I think I’ll give it a shot.”

“That’s the spirit.” Professor Orser smiles, pleased. “I’ll send you the application form. In the meantime, try to think of something different for your portfolio.”

Michael tries to help by crashing in his house and filtering through all the photos Yuzuru has taken. They spend hours poring over each photo, deciding what would be the best photos to present to the panel. By the end of the day, they’ve pretty much decided on most of what to put, but …

“There’s something missing,” Yuzuru concludes. He and Michael are now lying down on the living room floor, exhausted from spending an entire day looking through photos.

“Missing how?” Michael asks, almost in the edge of disbelief.

“Like …” Yuzuru sighs as he sits up, looking at Michael. He finds it endearing, the way his companion’s face would scrunch up in contemplation. “I don’t know … I guess I want something more personal, but also something I’ve never done before.”

“Like what?”

Whatever it is, Yuzuru doesn’t know. “I’ll think about it,” he concludes for the day. The last day of submission isn’t until the second to the last day before graduation, anyway.

He ponders on it for a long time, but nothing is coming to mind, and the deadline is nearing. Professor Orser has suggested that he looks into what he does every day, what’s important to him, and start from there. He tries taking photos of the forest, the club room, but it just doesn’t feel right. It has to be something else …

“You sure are in deep thought.”

Yuzuru almost jumps at the voice, and he hears the group laughing at him. They’re in their usual pizza place, celebrating the end of the school year. It’s funny how they’re laughing about memories in university at one time and then proceeding to plan their supposed future at another time. Julian and Michael are already panicking about law school and med school acceptance results. Zijun is talking excitedly about the work she’ll be starting after graduation while fussing over Han Yan’s plans of returning to China with his family. Soyoun and Haejin are brainstorming for this business venture they want to pursue. Jinseo’s applying for every publication in existence while Chloe’s deciding whether to work or to take up graduate school. They really do have to grow up fast. Yuzuru’s not sure if he’s prepared for it.

“I’ll miss this,” he spurts out during a lively recollection of one of their out-of-town trips. The chatter pauses, and everyone’s eyes on him that Yuzuru feels his face heat up. “I-I mean”—he stutters—“I won’t be able to see you guys for a long time, so …”

“Yuzuru,” Haejin says, eyes soft. “We’ll always have reunions.”

“Yeah,” Jinseo says. “And we’ll always keep in touch, right?”

Yuzuru smiles. Of course, they will.

He hears Zijun groaning as she looks at her phone. “Yearbook committee just announced that people can claim their group photos now,” she reads. “Lucky them. We didn’t even get to sign up for a group photo shoot.”

“I’d rather not have a group photo shoot for the yearbook than have one, but with a lot not in attendance,” Jinseo points out, though he looks upset at the thought.

Suddenly he feels Michael looking at him, and there it is, a moment of revelation. Michael seems to be thinking the same thing, too, and he grins. “You know what,” he speaks up, “I have an idea.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The idea was a stroke of genius, and a huge convenience for his part. He’ll be killing three birds with one stone. There’s their personal group photo shoot, of course. Aside from that, Julian, Zijun, and Jinseo are some of of the outstanding students in their batch to be featured in the school paper’s graduation special. And finally, this is the missing piece of the puzzle that is his portfolio—it’s something personal, and something that he has never shown to anyone unless someone in the group insists he posts it online.

“So you’re gonna include our group photo in the portfolio,” Michael concludes. They’re in the forest, setting up. Three years ago, Yuzuru wouldn’t want anyone else apart from him and Michael to be in this forest. Now, he wants to spend his last days in university with his friends, in this place.

“I’m a genius, aren’t I?” Yuzuru says with a grin. He aims his camera at the lake, then looks at the sun. It’s still high up, but it’s all right. It’s not going to ruin the image that he wants for the group.

Everyone else has arrived, looking amazed at the entirety of the forest. “This place looks great!” Haejin exclaims as she spins around. “I can’t believe this actually exists in campus!”

“It exists,” Michael points out with a grin. “You just have to look for it carefully.”

Soyoun creeps beside Yuzuru, a knowing smile on her face. “So this is the famous forest you and Michael like to go to,” she whispers.

Yuzuru turns his gaze to the ground, his face burning. “Shut up, Soyoun.”

“You know,” she adds, “it’s almost graduation. Aren’t you going to say something to Michael yet?”

Soyoun knows too well that Yuzuru is aware of the deadline. He only has three days to gather the courage and say three words to Michael. It can be today, Yuzuru figures, but it can be tomorrow or after graduation. When and how he’ll manage to say it, he still doesn’t know. “I will,” he tells her. “I just need the right time …”

He watches Soyoun sigh in frustration and throw her hands up to the heavens before leaving him for Haejin and Jinseo.

Yuzuru lets his expert photographer side take over, laying over his concept with the group and deftly directing his friends to pose for the camera. Michael poses as his assistant, trying his best not to roll his eyes when Chloe and Haejin goof around, already impatient for the group photo shoot to happen. They don’t have to wait long, though, because Yuzuru makes the signal that the graduation magazine photo shoot is over, and that they have to get ready for the lighter group photo shoot.

He sets up his phone as his camera’s shutter controller so he can freely move around with the group. “We can do one formal pose, but I want you guys to let loose, do what we always do,” he instructs them, grinning. “Pretend that the camera isn’t there.”

Already in the formal pose, they’re already laughing and goofing around, and Yuzuru thinks it can’t be helped and lets the shutter click away. They go around the forest, Yuzuru taking photos of Soyoun and Haejin poking fun at Jinseo for something, Julian and Chloe hugging, Han Yan making a funny face … Yuzuru feels a wave of sadness come over him suddenly. He’s definitely going to miss this.

He had just finished taking a photo of Han Yan and Zijun when Soyoun taps his shoulder. She has a knowing smile on her face. “Give me the camera,” she says.

Yuzuru blinks. “What for?”

“To take a photo of you and Michael, of course! You two still don’t have any photos together!” There’s a mischievous twinkle on Soyoun’s eyes; this is not good.

“Yeah!” Zijun pipes up from a good distance. “Come on, you two, it’s time for your moment in the camera this time.”

He meets Michael’s eyes, and he has the urge to look away lest he make his feelings obvious. But he doesn’t. Michael is grinning, and he grins back. “Sure,” he replies. “Soyoun, go ahead and take over.”

“My pleasure~” Soyoun singsongs.

He thought that having a photo shoot with Michael is going to be difficult, awkward even, but to his surprise, it isn’t. He drapes an arm over Michael’s shoulders as Soyoun takes somewhat formal shots of them. Julian makes a joke that has the two of them laughing, and from that point on, it’s a blur. All he remembers are how the way Michael’s gums would come out when he laughs, how he hides his mouth shyly after that, how close they are that Yuzuru is close to pulling him in his arms …

“And that’s a wrap!” Soyoun says, sending him back to reality. “You guys look great.” She adds a wink to her comment.

“Let me see!” Michael says, rushing towards her, while Yuzuru is left standing there, somehow still in a daze. He had just come to one realization, and it’s going to take a huge leap of faith from his part for this to happen.

He can’t hold this back any further, he realizes. He has to tell Michael now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The photo shoot wrapped up in the late afternoon. They all browse through Yuzuru’s gallery and pick the photos that he should upload to Facebook as soon as he gets home. Finally, they all bid their goodbyes, hugging each other and promising to see each other tomorrow, in the graduation party. The rest of them went ahead, while he and Michael are left behind.

“I wanna look around the forest,” Michael says before Yuzuru has even started packing. “No cameras. I just want to look around and remember.”

Yuzuru smiles. “Of course.”

The forest is beautiful, as beautiful as the first time he’d been in here, alone and afraid of what he had gotten himself into. Now, he’s not alone. Michael had snuck his way in his personal space, and he wouldn’t change it in any way. He’s very glad that Michael is a part of his life.

Still, he’s still afraid. What he’s about to do is risky. It could ruin their friendship. But Yuzuru wants to try anyway. He’s going to be away after graduation, and he doesn’t want any regrets anymore.

Michael’s voice interrupts his thoughts. “What are you thinking about?” he asks.

They’re back at the lake, the sun painting the sky orange as it slowly sets from their view. It’s time, he thinks, but how is he going to do it? His mind draws a blank and he stutters during the hardest oral examinations in school, and he’s not sure if his own words are enough to tell Michael how he feels …

An idea pops in his head. He’s half-torn between ditching the idea and actually doing it, but in the end, he goes for the latter. “I want one more photo here,” he says, and he’s hyper-aware of how his breathing has started to become shallow. “The sunset is beautiful.”

“It is …” Michael says, smiling serenely. “So, okay, sure, I’m gonna step out of—”

“I want you to be in the photo,” Yuzuru blurts out, his heart racing. “I want … I want _us_ to be in the photo.”

Michael blinks, and Yuzuru was panicking inside, but fortunately, he nods. “Sure, I’d like that.”

Yuzuru programs his shutter controller in his camera before heading back to position. Michael has his arms tucked on his back, tilting his head curiously. “So, how do we do this?” he asks.

“Um …” This is it. There is no turning back. “Well, we can face each other, and …”

“Okay.” Michael steps forward, and they’re a few inches apart. Yuzuru can’t find himself to breathe properly. “What now?”

“Close your eyes.” His voice is barely above a whisper, and there’s no surprise that Michael had blinked, surprised. There it is, the strong urge to run away, but he quashes it before it can take over. If he doesn’t do this, he’s going to regret this for the rest of his life.

To his relief, Michael does as he’s told.

And when he does, Yuzuru closes his eyes as well, and leans in.

It was quick, the kiss. Time had frozen the moment his lips met Michael’s. He’s never done this before, but he’s sure he wants to do this. He loves Michael, he can say (or show) that with much certainty.

He pulls away seconds after his thumb presses the shutter button on his phone. By the time he opens his eyes, Michael’s eyes are open and wide. There’s a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach when it finally sinks in that he kissed Michael, without even asking if he can, and his flight response is starting to kick in.

“I-I have to go!” he spurts out quickly, almost stumbling on the way to get his camera. “I’m sorry, I just—I’m sorry—”

He might have forgotten some of his things, but he doesn’t care anymore. He just wants to run away from everything … from Michael’s shocked expression and how Michael never went after him even when he ran away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His phone is off the entire night, until their graduation, and until his flight back to Sendai. He doesn’t even bother checking his online accounts, despite the countless notifications pouring in. In graduation, he avoids everyone’s eyes, even going so far as to looking down on the ground for fear that he might meet Michael’s gaze among the sea of graduates. Fortunately, he doesn’t run into Michael, and even the rest of the gang. He’s reluctant that the goodbye was short-charged, but he can’t bear to face them now, _especially Michael …_

“Aren’t you going to take pictures with your friends?” Saya asks him, when he tells her they should go once the graduation ceremony was over. 

Yuzuru looks over his shoulder; Michael could be looking for him. “We should go,” he insists. “We already had a photo shoot yesterday.” 

“But graduation is different! And aren’t you going to say goodbye to your friends?” 

He jumps when he could have sworn he heard someone calling his name, but when he looks again, there’s no one. Must be a figment of his imagination, but it’s possible. “I already said goodbye to them.” 

Saya frowns at him, concerned, and Yuzuru avoids her gaze. A weight has been lifted off his shoulders when she sighs in defeat. “Fine. But you’re making a big mistake.” 

Yuzuru’s aware of that. He’ll be missing out on tearful goodbyes and promises to keep in touch over the next few months. But this time, after a long time, he lets fear take over. “I know,” he says, softly. “Let’s go home, nee-chan.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**2019**

It’s already late at night, and their office building is already closed, but Yuzuru brings Soyoun back here and to the exhibit room. He picks the keys from the bemused security guard and drags Soyoun inside, fumbling through the wall before finding the light switch. He grins when Soyoun makes a sound of awe, her heels clinking on the floor as she walks to the first photo in the exhibit, a view of their university from the campus’ tallest building. “This is so nostalgic,” she says, eyes drifting to every detail in the photo. “You really have a good eye, Yuzuru.” 

Yuzuru grins at the compliment. “Wait ‘till you see the other photos,” he says. 

They amble through the room, Soyoun taking a look at each photo and Yuzuru telling his story for each. The stories are two years’ worth of traveling around the world, trying to find himself and think of the things he should do, and look back at the things he shouldn’t have done. Actually, it was also to forget, but no matter what he did, he’ll always come back to that day and think of a different scenario, one where he isn’t so afraid. 

Finally, they reach the farthest part in the room, the one with the set of photos that Yuzuru has come to cherish. There’s a collage of photos of the gang, from their beach trip to the random moments in university. There’s the photo shoot they did in the forest, their last photo shoot before graduation, all smiles and laughter, and nostalgia hits Yuzuru every time he sees these. 

And then, the final group of photos, bigger than the others. Yuzuru and Michael, arms around each other, and Yuzuru remembers the two of them laughing after Julian cracked an inside joke. There’s a candid photo of them whispering, Yuzuru’s gaze fond on the person whose feelings he harbors are more than friendship. And then, there’s the photo of the kiss, the sun casting a gentle shadow on the two of them. 

Soyoun’s smile turns gentler as she looks at that group of photos. “These are probably my favorite group of photos out of the entire exhibit,” she remarks. 

Yuzuru feels his face turning red. “That’s what everyone else said, actually …” he says feebly. 

“I can imagine,” she laughs. 

“I’d turn back time, if I can,” Yuzuru admits. “I want to say it better, without regrets, without any guise of some portfolio for an award or whatever. I want to tell him that I love him, just as he is.” 

Soyoun looks at him, examining his confession. She nods, and turns her gaze back to the photo. “You know,” she says, her voice mischievous. “You might get your chance.” 

Yuzuru quickly whips his head to look at Soyoun, his heart pounding quickly. “What do you mean by that?” 

There it is, the mischievous glint in Soyoun’s eyes that she remembers her giving him the day she revealed that she knows he likes Michael. “Well,” she starts, batting her eyelashes. “Everyone’s here. We have a reunion, and Han Yan’s planning a surprise.” 

“Oh.” Yuzuru blinks. A reunion. It’s been two years since he last saw everyone, and he will admit that the thought of seeing them again excites him. But then … “By everyone, including …?” 

She nods. “He’s been in Japan since early this year,” she tells him, her gaze back at the photo of him and Michael. “He got accepted to this med school—Keio… I think? He told me he always wanted to meet you … but he thinks you’re not yet ready.” 

The realization hits Yuzuru hard, like a bullet train coming to a sudden stop. He could have run into Michael any time, any day. Maybe Michael had already seen him, but chose not to approach. Or maybe Yuzuru had seen Michael, too, but had just thought his mind was playing tricks on him. Funny way how the world works. 

“Are you ready to meet him?” Soyoun asks. 

Yuzuru doesn’t have to think twice. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready.”


	5. Chapter 5

The group, except for Michael, is staying in a guesthouse in Minato, and they’ll be there until the end of the week. Soyoun is still mum as to what Han Yan’s surprise will be, but she does give him their itinerary. “We’ll do some exploring,” she tells him. “It’ll be great if you and Michael can play tour guides for us,” she adds with a wink.

“If he still wants to talk to me,” Yuzuru says, dread pooling in his stomach. He said he’s ready, but he can’t help but be nervous. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen; it could be okay, it could be awkward, or Michael could ignore him altogether. The thought is unbearable.

“Don’t be so pessimistic,” Soyoun tells him. “It’s been two years, and you two have thought about whatever happened to you. Everything will be fine. Just don’t run away tomorrow.”

Yuzuru grimaces. “I can’t always run away from him, can I?”

But when Yuzuru wakes up the next day, he has an overwhelming urge to call Soyoun and take a rain check. This is all too sudden. He only had a few hours of notice, and he’s not sure if he’s prepared to see everyone again, especially Michael, after kissing him then running away. _Breathe, Yuzuru,_ he tells himself as he stares at his reflection in the mirror. He has bags under his eyes, unable to sleep the night before. _You can do this._ After a few more minutes of psyching himself up, he gets dressed and heads out of his apartment.

The guesthouse is a ten-minute bike ride away from his apartment, and he almost missed it because the outside looks like an ordinary two-story house. He promptly texts Soyoun “I’m outside” as soon as he parks his bike, and he gets a “Come on in, we’re in the lobby” as a reply. He takes more deep breaths and slides the door open.

And he momentarily forgets how to breathe.

He’s face to face with Michael, who is waiting by the lobby. His eyes are wide, mirroring his look of surprise. He has gotten taller, his body has gotten broader, and he’s no longer wearing glasses. Yuzuru has a strong urge to run forward and pull Michael in his arms, but he remembers what has happened before, and he restrains himself. Instead, he breathes out a “Hi.”

Michael blinks rapidly before he asks, cautiously, “Yuzuru …?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” Yuzuru feels his voice shaking, but he restrains himself again. It’s been two years; he shouldn’t be running away anymore. “I ran into Soyoun, and I heard you guys are staying here, so …” He gulps. “I heard you’re studying here.”

“Yeah, I am,” Michael replies, still cautious. Yuzuru can’t blame him.

“Michael …” he says. “I owe you an explanation …”

“I know.” Michael doesn’t look or sound angry, which is a good thing, especially when his lips turn up and he moves forward. “But we can do that later. I missed you, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru feels Michael’s arms around him, and he almost wants to cry, all dread gone. He chuckles and hugs back. “I missed you, too.”

Suddenly, there are screams from behind them, and when they pull away from each other, the rest of the group is there. Everyone but Soyoun looks shell-shocked, and Yuzuru feels small, like the time they all stared at him when he joined them for lunch for the first time. “Um …” he starts, words failing him. “I …”

“Yuzuru!” they yell as they all run forward to him. The next thing he knows is he’s being suffocated by arms around him, energetic chattering and endless questioning and “Long time no see!”s.

Suddenly, he feels like he’s at home again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was obligated to treat everyone to dinner in this nearby restaurant he recommended, but it’s fine by him. They probably overstayed their welcome there, catching up on what they have been up to. Granted, Yuzuru has already heard of how everyone was doing because of Soyoun, but he’s happy hearing the stories from his friends themselves. In turn, he answers questions about his trips around the world, and what he has been up to lately.

Finally, the more serious questions start being asked. “We never heard from you after graduation,” Haejin is the first to speak up.

Everyone’s eyes in on him, yet Yuzuru can only feel Michael’s gaze. He’s not prepared for this, but there’s no turning back now. “I got scared,” he admits. “I ran away because I got close to you guys, and … well, I was not prepared to be sad when we part ways.” It was not the entire truth, but it was what he felt, too. “I’m sorry.” He lowers his head.

It’s Han Yan who drapes an arm around him after a seemingly awkward silence. “Don’t be so formal about it,” he says. “Just don’t disappear on us like that ever again. Got it?”

Yuzuru looks at everyone, his gaze stopping at Michael. The other one is smiling at him, a reassuring one, and he feels a weight being lifted off his shoulders. His vision is starting to blur, but he blinks it away in favor of smiling until his cheeks hurt. “Thanks, guys,” he says.

They talk and eat some more until they feel that the restaurant staff is glaring at them. It’s gotten late at night, and they’re tempted to have a look around the area, but Michael had to take a rain check. “My classmate wants to switch shifts in the hospital for tonight,” he tells them.

“Guess we’ll do some exploring tomorrow, then,” Julian says. “Yuzuru, you be our tour guide.”

Yuzuru grins. “It’ll be my pleasure.”

He bids the group goodbye and watches them enter the guesthouse before he realizes that Michael is standing right next to him. His heart suddenly stops pounding, and his brain almost stops functioning. But whatever flight response he has, it’s quick to disappear. He can’t run away anymore; it’s time to face the music. He makes an awkward smile. “So … which hospital are you doing your med school practice?”

“Still in Keio,” Michael replies with a chuckle. “We can’t really practice in any other hospital.”

“Ah, right.” Yuzuru feels his face heat up. “It’s not too far from my apartment. Come on, I’ll walk you.”

“Sure.” It’s Michael who walks forward, Yuzuru dragging his bike until they’re walking side by side. “Where do you live?”

“Myoenji. It’s not too far from Keio either.”

“Amazing,” Michael says. “We could have run into each other.” His face scrunches up in a frown. “Now that you mentioned it, sometimes I thought I could have seen you in the streets, but I thought it was just a figment of my imagination.”

“I had the same thoughts, too,” Yuzuru admits. He remembers a photo shoot they had in Keio, and a group of med students passed by, chattering animatedly. He could have sworn he saw Michael in that group, but before he could even confirm, Ms. Abe had called his attention back to the photo shoot. The group had disappeared when Yuzuru had another chance to look.

The rest of the walk is in silence, but it was surprisingly not awkward as Yuzuru had expected it to be. It’s the silence they both shared back in the forest, just looking out into the view of the sun as it set in front of them. Yuzuru missed this, and he’s glad that there’s still a chance for the two of them to talk about this and find some closure, even if he’ll get a rejection in return.

They reach the tall, imposing buildings of Keio Hospital, and Michael idles for a bit before he says, “Well, see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru is reluctant to leave, but he reminds himself that he and the group have a week together, and if there’s no awkwardness after this, he and Michael have days to catch up. “See you tomorrow.”

“We’ll talk about …” Michael trails off, but Yuzuru knows what he wants to say.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Michael seems to have sighed in relief. “Bye, Yuzuru.”

“Bye, Michael.”

He watches Michael disappear inside before he realizes that his cheeks are hurting from smiling too wide and that there’s a faint glimmer of hope in his chest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuzuru calls Ms. Abe the next day to inform her that he won’t be reporting to the office for the entire week. It’s an easy approval, given there’s not much to do now in the office, but he promises that he’ll take some stock photos. After making sure he didn’t forget anything in his apartment, he makes his way to the guest house. The group is in the lobby waiting for him, Michael brightening up as soon as he arrived.

“So, where to, our dear tour guide?” Jinseo asks, already up and raring to go out.

“Well …” Yuzuru grins. “How’d you like to get some sushi?”

The tour was smooth sailing. They eat sushi in Shinjuku Gyoen Park, where the cherry blossoms aren’t blooming, but the place is beautiful nonetheless. They spend hours lounging underneath one of the cherry blossom trees, further catching up and talking about their years in university. Yuzuru takes out his camera to snap some photos, and Michael follows soon after.

“It’s been a while since I got to use this,” Michael admits sheepishly as he watches Yuzuru click away. “Med school and all.”

Yuzuru peeks at Michael’s shot of a couple underneath the cherry blossom tree from across them. They’re inches away from each other, and Yuzuru’s tempted to move closer. He manages to stop himself. “Your shots aren’t bad at all,” he says.

“You think so?” Michael grins at the comment.

“As an expert photographer, I know so.”

“Hey, Yuzuru!” Julian suddenly pipes up. “I suddenly remembered you still owe us the pics from the group photo shoot!”

“Oh, yeah!” Chloe chimes in. “What did happen to those photos?”

Yuzuru gulps, and from the corner of his eye he can see Michael’s gaze shifting to the ground, as memories of that time came back to them. He can see Soyoun looking at anywhere but the two of them, too. The photos have been developed and are displayed in the exhibit, but he’s not yet ready to show it to the group. Instead, he admits, “I have them in my files somewhere … I’ll go look for them.”

“You better! Those are two years overdue!”

“Don’t be such a boss, Julian!” Chloe giggles as she lightly slaps Julian on the back. This causes Yuzuru and Michael to relax and go on with whatever they’re doing.

After their sushi brunch they walk around in Nakamise, where everyone’s heads are close to falling off with the way they’re looking around every stall. The girls, in particular, stop at every stall, debating on whether to buy this souvenir or that souvenir; the guys, meanwhile, stop at every confectionary booth to help themselves to snacks. They are tempted to ride one of those human-powered rickshaws, but they end up having a group photo with one of the rickshaw operators instead.

They end the day in a temple in Asakusa, where Yuzuru finds himself alone with Michael for the second time this week. He’s by the temple bell, eyes closed, hands clasped as if in prayer. Yuzuru’s tempted to take a photo, but he quickly decides against it. There’s something about the sight that makes him wish that time would stop … like that time when Michael was gazing in awe at the sunset in the forest ...

There’s a tap on his shoulder, and it’s Soyoun, a small charm on her hand. “So when are you two going to talk about things?” she asks.

Yuzuru turns his gaze back to Michael, still in silent prayer. They’ve promised to talk, but as to when … “It’ll come. Eventually.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s difficult to find the time to talk, but it should be expected, when it’s a group reunion. Besides, Yuzuru wants to catch up with everyone as much as possible, so he’s not exactly complaining.

When they _are_ alone, Yuzuru feels they’re starting to warm up to each other again. But their alone moments are, most of the time, fleeting. Yuzuru would get whisked away to play translator for the rest of the day, and Michael would get dragged by anyone in the group to do some other tourist-y activity. But then the day has to end, and he almost forgets that their route home is the same. After dropping off their friends in the guesthouse, Yuzuru finds himself in Michael’s company, just the two of them.

On the fourth day, they had woken up early to get a glimpse of the Tsukiji Fish Market, Julian marveling at what a wasabi looks like in vegetable form. After lunch in a small ramen hole-in-the-wall, they explore the East Gardens of the Imperial Palace, then stroll along Marunochi, and eventually Ginza. The girls’ arms are practically full of shopping bags, and by the time they return to the guest house, everyone had cut their usual chatter to say their good nights to head to bed.

“It feels like old times, doesn’t it?” Michael brings up once they’ve left the guesthouse. His shoulders are slumped in exhaustion, and he walks in a leisurely pace. Maybe he doesn’t have to do hospital duty today …

“It does,” Yuzuru replies, smiling. “Not going to the hospital tonight?”

“I asked my dorm mates to take the shift for me the whole week,” Michael says with a grin. “I’m gonna have to do hospital duty for the next two weeks, but it’ll be worth it. I won’t be seeing the others again in a while.”

Yuzuru nods. “True …” He almost freezes in his tracks when he realizes he doesn’t have to worry about Michael suddenly sleeping in and missing med school requirements. “Hey,” he says. “You wanna get a drink and catch up?”

Michael blinks. “Aren’t we already doing that since three days ago?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Oh.” Realization crosses his companion’s face, and he nods. “Sure.”

Yuzuru takes him to a bar that he usually frequents with his colleagues. The bartender eyes Michael curiously, but asks if Yuzuru wants the usual. Yuzuru settles with something light instead. “I remember you’re not a heavy drinker,” he says when the bartender shuffles off to prepare the drinks.

Michael scrunches his face at him. “I’ll have you know that my tolerance to alcohol has increased since you left,” he points out.

“We’ll see about that,” Yuzuru says with a chuckle.

It has, somewhat, Yuzuru has come to find out. Michael has gone through a couple of glasses of liquor without getting tipsy, but familiarity comes back by the fourth glass. Michael’s already close to passing out. Yuzuru feels the warmth of alcohol spread to his body, and he feels as brave as Michael to look back at moments shared in university, kept buried in their memories until they’re sure it’s safe to talk about it again.

“Okay, I think that’s enough alcohol for you,” Yuzuru laughs, as soon as Michael finishes what looks like his sixth glass. His companion’s already close to slumping in his seat, earning him amused looks from the other people in the bar. “Let me call your dorm mates to pick you up …” He grabs Michael’s cell phone, and it takes more or less three or four tries before Michael gets his lock combination right.

“Call Shoma or Sota~ They’re both my roommates~” Michael lets out an uncharacteristic giggle that Yuzuru laughs despite himself. “Yuzuru~”

“Wait a minute, I need to call your roommates.” It’s a struggle for Yuzuru to call, because Michael is surprisingly clingy. Michael’s hand is on his arm, and it takes all his willpower not to lose his concentration and call Shoma, who has promised to be there as soon as possible. By the time he ends the call, Michael has withdrawn his hand, looking more contemplative this time. “What are you thinking about?”

Michael gazes at him, expression more somber. The music in the bar has suddenly become more subdued. Yuzuru feels the inevitable is about to come.

“Why did you kiss me back then?” Michael looks inquisitive, the same look that reminded him of them in university, in the forest, when Michael asks a lot of questions that may or may not have answers. Now, Michael will get an answer, and he’s going to make sure of that.

Yuzuru takes a deep breath. It’s now or never. “I kissed you because I love you,” he says.

The music has stopped completely, and Yuzuru could have sworn everyone is eavesdropping on their conversation right now. But the bartender is tending to the customers who had just entered, and everyone is minding their own business; he reprimands himself for being so paranoid.

Michael doesn’t react, and it’s a sign for him to continue.

“I love you, Michael. Ever since I sat beside you in the forest for the first time. Ever since I got close with you and the group. I was never good at expressing myself, so I ended up kissing you instead of saying what I was supposed to say.”

He’s done. He doesn’t need to say more. He doesn’t need declarations of how his chest constricts or how his stomach does somersaults whenever Michael’s in the vicinity. He just needs to say those three words, and answer whatever questions Michael still has to ask. After that, he doesn’t know what will happen next, but at least he’ll have no regrets.

Michael’s eyebrows are knit together, face scrunched to a frown. “Then you left. Then I tried calling you, messaging you, but you never picked up any of my calls and read any of my messages.”

There’s a stabbing sensation in Yuzuru’s chest, a lump forming in his throat. “I got scared,” he says. “After I kissed you, I got scared. I don’t have any other excuse but that. I thought you won’t want to talk to me again after what I did.”

Michael doesn’t say anything, but Yuzuru can tell he’s not angry, which is a good thing. Or maybe it’s the alcohol taking its effect, calming him down. Yuzuru can’t be sure. He had already said what is to be said, and he doesn’t have any control of what’s going to happen next.

Suddenly the bartender says a “Welcome!” as soon as the door opens. Michael’s face lighten up in recognition, and when he looks over his shoulder, a couple of young men are approaching them. They must be Michael’s roommates. They introduce themselves as Shoma and Sota, and they thank Yuzuru for calling them to pick their roommate up.

Michael looks reluctant to go, but he stumbles to get up, holding on to Sota for balance. “So I’ll see you tomorrow?” he says.

“Yeah. Better take some aspirin as soon as you wake up.”

Michael rolls his eyes, but manages a smile and a soft “Bye” before he’s being dragged by his roommates out the bar.

As soon as the door closes, Yuzuru leans against his seat and heaves a sigh of relief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He has to stifle a laugh when Michael arrives in the guesthouse a bit late, looking a bit worse for the wear. “Shut up,” Michael says, giving a feeble glare before sitting next to him, rubbing his temple.

“Not my fault you drank more than you should have,” Yuzuru counters with a teasing grin. “Orange juice?”

Today’s the group’s second-to-the-last day before they head home tomorrow. It’ll be a while before they’ll see each other again, and while that makes Yuzuru sad. He’s glad that, at least, he got to see everyone, catch up, explore places like the old times. Maybe next time they can go back to the place where it all began, and walk on memory lane. He should suggest that to the group …

“Yuzuru!” Soyoun suddenly calls, standing up. “Can I have a minute with you? Alone?”

“H-Huh?” Yuzuru has barely had a chance to reply when Soyoun grabs him by the wrist and pulls him up, dragging him outside the dining area. From his peripheral vision, he sees Michael shooting them a suspicious look, but it’s quick to disappear.

Soyoun takes him outside the guesthouse. It’s still early in the morning, but the streets are full of people, hurrying to their work, no doubt. He watches Soyoun lean against the wall, biting her bottom lip as she tries not to grin wide. It’s sort of irritating. “What are you smiling about?” he asks.

“How’d it go with Michael?” she asks.

He can’t help but mirror her grin. “Okay, I guess …? I told him what I felt … and I guess that’s that.”

“And what did he say?”

“Well, he was tipsy, and his roommates had to bring him home, so I never got the answer …”

Soyoun sighs. “Guess it’s better than nothing …”

“Is that why you dragged me out here?”

“Oh, right! Remember when I told you about Han Yan’s surprise?” Her smile turns to something more sly. “I have to tell you right now …”

The surprise doesn’t entail any involvement from him, but Yuzuru is glad Soyoun told her nonetheless. The thought excites him, and he’s sure he would have blurted out the surprise had he not received warning glances from Soyoun and the rest of the people who know. He tries not to think about it too much, focusing on helping the group make their way through Akihabara without anyone getting lost. They’ve pretty much shopped until Yuzuru has to stop them lest they exceed the baggage limit.

They’ve reached their last stop, Odaiba, where they wait for night to come so they can witness the Rainbow Bridge light up. They have dinner in one of those open-area restaurants, where they recall everything that happened during the trip. Yuzuru can detect the twinge of sadness from almost everyone. “We’ll have more trips like these, right?” he speaks up.

“Of course, we will!” Haejin pipes up. “We should make this an annual thing.”

“Yeah!” Zijun chimes in, looking more cheerful than a few minutes ago. “How about we go to Europe next time?”

There’s a hum of approval, and the girls take the initiative to start planning their itinerary. Han Yan is fidgeting, and Jinseo is patting him calmly on the back. Even Yuzuru and Michael keep taking deep breaths; they’re nervous for Han Yan, too.

Finally, they finish dinner, and they’re now strolling around Rainbow Park, waiting for it to be lit up. Michael is walking slowly, letting the others go ahead, and Yuzuru follows his pace. Michael steals glances at the view from the bridge, as if thinking about something serious. “What are you thinking about?” he can’t help but ask.

Michael hums and stops to lean against the railing; Yuzuru does the same. “I didn’t go after you after you kissed me,” he says.

Yuzuru feels his heart suddenly plummet. They’re resuming their conversation from last time, this time sober. “Yeah, you never did,” he replies. “I thought you didn’t feel the same way.”

“I was suddenly kissed by a very close friend. Do you expect me to react to that quickly?”

“... Good point,” he says with a sigh.

“Back then, I couldn’t entertain the thought of us being more than friends,” Michael continues. “I mean, you’re my best friend, Yuzuru. And after being rejected, I guess I never thought of falling in love for a while. So when you kissed me … I guess I thought about it. I got two whole years of the kiss creeping back to consciousness, and I guess I’ve made up my mind.”

Yuzuru realizes he’s holding his breath, his grip on the railings tight. “And what have you made up your mind to?”

Michael looks at him. Yuzuru doesn’t want to delude himself into thinking that Michael is looking at him expectantly. “Do you still love me?”

He lets out the breath he has been holding. “Yes,” he admits, meeting Michael’s eye. “Yes, I do.”

He doesn’t expect Michael’s eyes to be lighting up, nor did he expect Michael’s hand creeping on top of his, warm and gentle. He almost forgets how to breathe, again, especially when Michael smiles at him.

“That’s good. Because—”

“Guys!” a voice suddenly calls out. When Yuzuru turns his head, he sees Soyoun waving at them, quite frantically. “Come on, it’s starting!”

“Right …” Michael quickly withdraws his hand, and Yuzuru’s own hand feels cold. His companion forces a smile and tilts his head. “Come on, let’s go.”

He must have looked sour because Soyoun is staring at him carefully before asking, “What? Something wrong?”

Yuzuru opens his mouth, closes it again, and then the words come out. “Michael and I were having a moment when you interrupted.”

Soyoun slaps a hand to her mouth. “Oh my god!” she exclaims. “I did?!”

Yuzuru laughs, which is weird because Soyoun just interrupted them, again, but the ill feelings are quick to disappear. “It’s not the first time,” he points out. “Remember that time in university …”

“Oh, don’t remind me! I feel bad enough already! Come on, let’s go, the surprise is about to start!”

Everything from thereon is perfect. As soon as the Rainbow Bridge lights up, Han Yan gets down on one knee in front of Zijun, struggling with pulling out the ring box from of his pocket. Zijun is sobbing, hands covering her mouth. Chloe, Soyoun, and Haejin are crying too, while Jinseo and Julian are grinning from ear to ear. Michael is smiling, too, but has taken out his camera to take some photos. Yuzuru is a bit teary-eyed, but he takes out his camera, too, and focuses on taking photos of the two and the surrounding crowd, making sure that this is a perfectly captured moment.

When Zijun says yes and puts on the ring, the couple embrace, and the crowd breaks into an applause. Yuzuru meets Michael’s eyes from across the crowd, and they share a smile. Whatever Michael was about to say to him earlier, maybe in his heart, he already knows …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They stay outside later than usual to get some drinks and congratulate the newly engaged couple. Zijun’s eyes are still red, but she’s glowing, gaze always straying to her ring and to Han Yan’s fond gaze. The girls enthusiastically talk about wedding plans, from the dress to the catering to the reception, while the boys roll their eyes but listen anyway. They make a toast to the couple, and to the group, before Yuzuru and Michael walk them back to the guest house.

It’s midnight when the group retreat to the guest house, and when Yuzuru looks at Michael, the other is looking at his watch, completely in disbelief. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Dorm’s curfew. I missed it already.” Michael is sheepish as he rubs the back of his head. “Maybe I should have called Shoma or Sota to wait for me, but …”

“Stay with me,” Yuzuru offers. The words are quick to slip out of his mouth before he can think it through, and his face heats up as soon as he says it. “If you want to, of course.”

Michael’s lips tug upward. “Sure, I’d like that.”

They walk in companionable silence once more until they reach Yuzuru’s apartment. Yuzuru apologizes for the mess, quickly picking up things and haphazardly placing them in the nearest drawer or table he can come across. “Would you like something to drink?” he asks, gesturing for Michael to sit on the couch.

Michael doesn’t sit down. He shakes his head. “I’m fine.” He steps forward until they’re inches away from each other; Yuzuru can feel his heart pace quickly. “We were interrupted earlier.”

There’s no mistaking the grin forming on his face, that giddy feeling overcoming his senses. He’s brave to slide his hands on Michael’s sides, eventually stopping on his hips. Michael doesn’t protest, and he can’t believe this is actually happening. “You were saying …?”

Michael looks down, as if shy, before looking up, his hands finding his way in Yuzuru’s arms. “I guess …” he starts, chuckling. “I guess I want to say is that … I love you, too.”

Never in his life had he expected those words from Michael, those words only saved up in hopes and daydreams. But now, it’s real. He loves Michael, and Michael loves him back. Yuzuru laughs and pulls Michael closer; Michael lets himself crash in his embrace. Before Michael can even blink, Yuzuru is at his neck, nuzzling the soft skin with his lips. Michael trembles a little, but Yuzuru can feel himself trembling, too. His kiss drifts up the arch of Michael’s neck to his cheek before Yuzuru draws back again. The smiles are no longer there, the feelings setting in.

It’s Michael who initiates the kiss this time, tilting his head forward and pressing his lips against Yuzuru’s. He can hear Michael’s rapid beating of his heart against his own, both of them going out of control. Yuzuru lets his eyes flutter shut, lets himself cup Michael’s face and lean in another angle, lets himself lick Michael’s lower lip before pressing in again. There are butterflies raging all over his stomach as their warm lips continue to slide against each other until these kisses turn to pecks.

They pull away, eventually; they have to catch the breaths they have been holding for some time. Michael laughs, and so does he before asking, “We’re … right …?” Here they are, kissing and embracing, but Yuzuru wants certainty nonetheless.

Michael throws an arm around his neck, and lets their noses bump slightly. “Yes,” he says, breathlessly. “Yes, we are.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuzuru wakes up the next day with Michael next to him, their arms wrapped against each other. Michael is already awake, smiling when their gazes meet. Yuzuru looks away for a moment, face burning, but Michael pulls him to a kiss, and the self-consciousness disappears completely.

He’s looking forward to more days like these, hugs and kisses and all. He’s looking forward to Michael spending time in his apartment, and getting introduced to Michael’s roommates. He can’t wait for hand-holding as they stroll along Tokyo or go out of the city to take photos, or just enjoy each other’s company.

They pull away from the kiss just as his alarm clock rings. He instantly sits up, almost forgetting that today’s the last day of their friends’ stay in Japan. “I think we have to get ready,” he says, yawning. He chuckles when Michael arms wrap around him again. “Are you one of those clingy boyfriends?” he teases.

“Shut up, I’m still sleepy,” Michael mumbles, nuzzling his neck. Yuzuru laughs again, and he receives a light slap on his arm in return. “By the way.”

“Hmm?”

“Does your sister still like the pancakes you make?”

Yuzuru grins, turning to place a gentle kiss on Michael’s cheek. “I’ll make as many as you want.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The group is staring at them by the time they arrived in the guest house. They’re late, but before they can even offer an explanations, the collective gazes go to their entwined hands, and the reactions come. Soyoun and Jinseo are grinning from ear to ear; Haejin, Chloe, and Zijun are mouthing “Oh my god,” while Julian and Han Yan are blinking as if they have to make sure they’re not dreaming.

“Well,” Soyoun speaks up, looking satisfied, “I guess you guys are finally together.”

“Finally!” Jinseo exclaims, causing everyone to jump. “I had a feeling you guys had something when we were in university, but this confirms it all!”

“You knew?!” Michael spurts out, letting Yuzuru’s hand go in favor of rubbing his forehead. “Since when?”

“I hang out with you guys, and you’re talking to a news writer here!” Jinseo crosses his arms, looking smug. “I was bound to come to conclusions, eventually.”

Michael groans, covering his face with his hands. Yuzuru just laughs, throwing an arm around Michael’s shoulders and pulling it closer. There was some hooting and cheering involved, and a weight has been lifted off his chest. This is going to work.

“So,” Chloe pipes up. “We still have half a day before we leave for the airport. Where to now?”

“Well …” Yuzuru grins. “I forgot to tell you, I have an exhibit not too far from here. Our group photo shoot is displayed there. Maybe you wanna have a look.”

There are hums of agreement, and all of them get ready to leave, bringing their baggage with them. Michael looks at him curiously, and Yuzuru reaches out for his hand, warm and perfectly fit in his. “There’s also something there I want to show you,” he says, when he’s sure they’re out of the group’s earshot. “It’s very special.”

Michael squeezes his hand, and gives a smile that puts Yuzuru speechless every time. “I’m looking forward to it.”

Yuzuru leans forward for a quick kiss before they head outside to join their friends.

**Author's Note:**

> \- This fic is inspired by the Japanese film, Heavenly Forest. I was considering ending this fic the way the film originally ended, but after several “NO”s from T-list, I decided to go with the happy ending. (I HOPE YOU’RE ALL HAPPY NOW.)  
> \- Like my other fics in the university setting, the university in this fic is inspired by my own university, down to the majors and the school events.  
> \- I’m really sorry this took so long to finish. I guess the writing bunnies got me occupied with something else, but I’m glad I finally got through to finish this.  
> \- Many thanks to Clemencio for being my ever-reliable beta.  
> \- A very Happy New Year to all! :)


End file.
